He just smiled and gave me a vegemite sandwich

I deal on eBay a lot for work. As a result, we get a TON of eBay phishing e-mails everyday. For those who don't know, phishing is when someone sends you an e-mail claiming to be someone else, hoping you'll click on a link that takes you to their site where you'll input information that allows them to steal your identity. It's a horrible thing to do, but the funny thing about it is that usually it's done by people overseas and sometimes they're not too good at translating their message for conning you. This case was one that came in today that I found particularly funny. Click on the picture to see the larger version.



I'm not sure how to feel now that I know the entire eBay staff is monitoring my member. Blech. I guess I'm going to have to look into a curtain for the bathroom window now.

I told you that joke so I could tell you this one

To understand this, you will have to have read this post:
http://tftcf.blogspot.com/2005/10/my-way-your-way-amway-updated-101205.html

I received another "one time only" e-mail through careerbuilder.com for these people. Even though JR seems to have given up on me, the Professional Recruiters are more persistant. If you remember, my last e-mail to JR's assistant Deborah was one of urgency. The Professional Recruiters know nothing of this e-mail, but I didn't let that stop me from sending this:

From: matweller@XXX.net
To: recruiter@advgroup.biz
Subject: Re: CareerBuilder.com: Your resume caught our attention! -PH
Date: Mon, 31 Oct 2005 16:09:40 +0000

Where is J.R.? What have you done with him? I can't find him and I worry what
may become of his mental state without his medication.

You can't hide him forever! Deborah and I will save him if it's the last thing
we do!

Unicorns are WAY COOL,
Mat


They just make it way too fun to mess with them! I'll give 10 points to anyone who knows where the "Unicorns are Way Cool" comes from (Mike not included).
I should probably mention I forwarded this to Deborah too:

From: Mat
To: recruiter@corporateoverview.com
Subject: FW: Re: CareerBuilder.com: Your resume caught our attention! -PH
Date: Mon, 31 Oct 2005 16:19:09 +0000

Deborah,

Just wanted you to know I am keeping the fight alive! VIVA LA RESISTANCE! VIVA JR!


Poor girl. She's the closest thing there is to an innocent in this. You know she opens these things and looks at JR with "that look" and just shakes her head. It makes me smile to think I can evoke that look.

I do one hell of a Dennis Miller impersonation

This isn’t about my company, but I have to get something out because I am so outraged and repulsed that I could burst. Exxon/Mobil recently announced the highest single quarter profits in history. And the news seems to be treating this information as a novelty. It may be just me, but I find it outrageous that gas prices reached such heights that many people had to change their lifestyles around this single factor, and the media just hahas and moves on? Heating oil is so expensive that I wouldn’t be surprised to hear that some elderly folks had to take out second mortgages to buy the fuel that will allow them to go on living through the winter ahead, and we’re okay with this?

To put the way they robbed us in perspective, if oil costs $60/barrel, and the price all of the sudden doubles, do you know how much each gallon has to increase in price to cover the difference? Two cents. How much did gas go up in your area? Here it was $.80-$.90. Now, I know there are other costs that go into processing oil to make gas, but those didn’t change, so the per barrel price is the main variable. So, if you have a product that you sell at a cost that is already inflated, and your cost goes up two cents, how much do you have to increase to cover? Four cents, eight, even ten?

Here’s what I say Exxon/Mobil should have to do with their new-found profits:

• Give some of this record profit to the government to cover the cost of the war that allowed these parasites to go on gouging the people.
• Rebate money to every person that had to buy oil for their homes after the increase to cover the difference.
• Give every soldier that went to the Mideast and the surviving members of the families of those killed in action free gas for life.
• Submit to the same regulation that utility companies do. They are a necessity item after all.
• Fund 50% of all research for renewable resource automobiles until they account for 75% of all cars on the road in America.

And let us not forget that the government tax on gas is 20% or more of the price you pay. That’s $.60 per gallon that you were paying for the last month going to taxes, and that’s not just Exxon/Mobil gas, that’s ALL GAS sold in the US. If they try to raise taxes any time in the next decade, we as a nation need to remind those morons just who they work for.

I’m sorry for getting off on a rant, but we cannot allow these opportunistic, parasitic, smug rapists to continue this. It’s a new fleet of jets they don’t need to them, but it is LIFE to us.

Now back to the regularly scheduled program…

Naked Eyes

I was given a promotion today to cover Mike's position. We're supposed to hire someone else to help soon, and things are really going to be different now. Pardon me if I wait until it happens. They've bought me until Christmas. Once I have vacation again to go on interviews, I go back to the search if there's still no hope.

Never fear, though. I will still bring you the latest foolishness.

Obituary

Mike came over today to tell me he's not going to be coming to work anymore. I hope those bastards are satisfied.

"I don't mind that I'm fat. You still get the same money." - Brando

So, remember the post about the president flipping out on IT? It led to Jack putting in his two-weeks' notice the next day, and a scramble has been on ever since to teach somebody everything he knows and get a replacement hired ASAP.

They've had a couple interviews so far and have a couple more lined up. Fred Fanning, director of computer stuff, has been doing the interviews and he's a friend of ours. This morning he comes and tells me they have two good candidates, a young black guy out of work, and an older white guy that's willing to take a pay cut from his current job since he's sure he'll be able to get back to that salary in no time here (he's making some dangerous assumptions). The president called Fred into his office yesterday to ask him some questions that went something like this:

Bill: How's the interview process going?
Fred: We have two good candidates.
Bill: What're they like?
Fred: They have different specialties, but either would be very helpful in the position.
Bill: Tall?
Fred: Average to above.
Bill: Heavy?
Fred: Not particularly.
Bill: Good. We don't need any fat people around here. Families?
Fred: One's single, the other is just married, not looking to have kids anytime soon.
Bill: Excellent. That's the best way.

• He knew the one guy was black. All that and he didn't play the race card? Surprising.
• How did my fat ass get hired here?
• The only reason he wants singles is because he thinks they're more likely to come in at 2AM on Sunday to check on something that has nothing to do with them, but that Bill wants them there for nonetheless.
• How pompous is it to call someone into your office and openly express your discrimination practices?

So many reasons to hate...

Have something to share?

If you've got a good story, let me know and I'll send you the invite that lets you come in and add to the madness.

Why believe you deserve it just because it's in the policy book?

Mike had to take off work yesterday. I had to take off today. This morning the president of the company launched an investigation to see how much time-off we had left because he thinks we take vacation too often. Neither of us has taken off any more than we've had coming to us. He's just mad that he's not going to get the usual five-second glance of us on the three days he bothers to show up at the office this week.

So, I check my work e-mail from home, and see the message from Franz that is the result of this investigation. The ironic thing being that the very next message in my inbox was Franz telling everybody that he will not be in tomorrow.

Apparently I also missed a confrontation between Mike and Rod. The work "jerk" was used and minor bloodshed followed. I'd tell you more, but this is really one of those deals where you have to know the players in person to appreciate how truly stupid Rod is.

Oh, and I almost forgot to mention, Mike said a lot of suits were running around the building today. Maybe they're looking to sell the place. Here's hoping.

Go, Tell It On The Mountain

There's an empty cubicle in our area. Rod was sitting in it this morning. Which I discovered after saying a number of slanderous things about both him and Franz [including a 3-minute version of the previous rant with some more interesting adjectives] to Mike and Karen (the graphic designer) at varying volumes. I can't be sure how long he was there.

I may be fired today...strangely, I don't care.

It reminded me of this girl, but it was nothing that bad.

Today's Word is "Efficiency." Can you say that boys and girls?

So, Franz wanted me to contact this place about a Web marketing opportunity. I checked it out and it looked okay, so I told the chick to send me the papers and we'd sign them and send them back to her.

You could diagram this as: A->B->C->A

She sent me the documents as Excel files. I passed them on to Franz and waited. I reminded Franz and waited. I reminded Franz again, and he told me to have Lou, the Administrative Assistant, print them out and bring them to him. So I called Lou, passed him the e-mail, he passed the printed pages to Franz and I waited. I reminded Franz again and waited. I finally get an e-mail back that says the addresses of our Web sites are wrong and that he won't sign them until they are corrected. Franz tells me to send them back to the company we're trying to work with, have them correct it, send it back, and then he'd sign it. Knowing how to open an Excel sheet and type, I do this myself and pass it back to Lou to print and give to Franz again. Franz finds something else he doesn't like, so it makes the rounds again. Finally it gets to me and I fax it out.

Now our diagram looks like this: A->B->C->B->D->C->B->D->C->B->D->C->B->A

THAT, my friends, is what corporate management does for you. What could have taken a total of ten minutes instead takes 2 man-hours worth of distraction because some jackass refuses to open a file, make a 3-keystroke correction and print it himself.

That's a nice head you have there -- be a shame if something happened to it.

So we have this strangeo dude in customer service. We have a number of them, actually. It's an asset for that job, but doesn't make the rest of us feel any safer. Regardless, I'm walking to the restroom today and see him coming the other way. I generally stay pleasant with this guy, 'cause I'd like to think if I do that with folks, they'll give me a head start when they go on their shooting rampage. But like I said, this guy ain't the most stable, so the relationship is tentative at best, plus there might be a little front-office vs. customer-service tension there, I just don't know.

Regardless, it's important to know that I generally sit in silence and do my work for hours on end, so my throat gets dry and I sometimes have trouble getting all the sound out when the time gomes to break my silence.

So I'm walking towards this guy, not having spoken in a while, but I want to be polite and I say "'lo, sir" but some of the inflection got lost in my voice, and I'm afraid it came out sounding more like "loser." There was silence as we passed eachother and now I can't get the nagging thought out of my head that I should probably stop leaving my lunch in the community fridge...

There's no "I have a family emergency" in TEAM

I keep forgetting to relate a tale I've heard multiple times now about a woman who used to work here. Apparently her son had broken his leg at school during the day, and when his mother told Bill she was going home to tend to her son, he told her that he really didn't want her to leave and that he would give her $100 to stay. She stayed. There's so many things wrong with that...

• How much of an ego must you have to assume the thought of staying even exists? If my kid breaks his leg, I'm leaving. I don't care if you offer me your Mercedes.


• How much of a power play is it to dangle money in someone's face and taunting someone to choose it over their family?


• What must that woman think of herself after the fact?


• What must the kid think of his mother?

Just one more reason I'd watch that man burn if he were on fire.

By the way, this entry is going to drop the pyramid scam job offer entry off the main page. If you haven't red it or the update on the bottom of it, it's worth a look.

Old habits die hard

I just caught Rod dropping the binder outside the cube, and he just looked at me and said 'hi' with something of an embarrassed grin. But he still left it there. What an ass.

For those keeping score at home - Rod: still a jackass, Us: still dumb enough to show up every day

I wasn't there to hear it, but Mike reports that yesterday when he returned, Rod gave Mike the following words of wisdom:

"Mike, now that you have this 'baby-thing' out of your system, I expect you to give 115% of yourself for the company."

I can't think of better inspiration.
(emotion courtesy of Eric)

If wishes were fishes

Mike and I got to spend the afternoon with a president shouting in the room behind us and just generally throwing a tantrum because something was broken and not being fixed with the speed he knew* it could be.

Interesting things we overheard:

• "He stinks and he's useless!" - about our IT guy who breaks his back daily to keep that place in shape; I intend to make sure he hears this comment since I have him in the 'Who's Gonna Shoot Up the Office?" pool.


• "I could do it myself in five minutes!" - Bill referring to how his knowledge of telecommunications is more impressive than Verizon's


• "That's a lie! That's a lie! It should be done now!" - Bill on how new information he was being given had to be incorrect since some phonejockey gave him an off-the-cuff estimate two hours before that any resonable person, of course, would have taken as Word of God.


• "People all around this company are getting bonuses they don't deserve. We need to cut salaries and bonuses next year - across the board!" What can I say? The man knows how to encourage people to work harder. You don't have to be a genius to know that if you're going to make a statement like that, and even if it's true, you need to do it behind closed doors and away from the general employees. Moron.
  

* Note: knowledge in this case is not based on any fact, any suggestion made by someone who is an authority on the situation, or even the whisperings of a fairy or ghost - it is purely the whim of the man professing to have it.

My way, your way, Amway! UPDATED: 10/12/05

So the job search isn't as fearful as it has been in the past. I posted a resume on careerbuilder.com to supplement the one I have at Monster.com. I've been getting a lot more leads from Careerbuilder than Monster, but I'm getting a lot more crap too. Since I think insurance is pretty much government-sanctioned, legalized crime, I loathe the insurance sales spam I get because of my Careerbuilder resume. This one almost pulled me in. Almost.

TO: Mat
RE: LIVE Corporate Overview Schedule

Dear Mat,

Thank you for filling out the form at http://www.CorporateOverview.com

We are hosting a live webcast later today. You can login to the webcast by going to: http://www.corporateoverview.com/index2.html

When you download the software (takes 7-seconds) it will give you the schedule of when the live webcast is being conducted. Please be prepared to spend 30-minutes with us. We will be going over all of the details on this project.

We look forward to discussing this project with you further,
Corporate Overview
http://www.CorporateOverview.com

So I went and took a look at the site figuring it wouldn't hurt to take a look if I only had to look online. But alas, their presentation only works on Windows, and I use a Mac at home, so either I view from work (which I am just an inch too ethical to do) or I don't see it. Besides, I'm a little suspicious, so I send a quick message back

From: Mat
Sent: Friday, October 07, 2005 8:03 AM
To: Executive Recruiter
Subject: Re: LIVE Corporate Overview Schedule

I have a mac at home, so it won't work. Besides, a company that recruits via webcast looks a bit shady anyway.

Thanks anyway

Short, to the point, has that "I don't feel like being messed with" kinda feel to it. But the “Executive Recruiter" doesn't take no for an answer.

Actually my team and I just barely started using the webcast
technology just like Microsoft. Is Microsoft or IBM shady because they
use webcast?

J.R.

Well, apparently I don't have the exclusive license on curt and cute that I thought I did. At least now the executive recruiter has a name, and I learn that I may have met my match in tenacity as well. Besides, who would dare question the virtuosity of Microsoft? Who would be so low as to question IBM? But I feel a little bad for maybe being too accusing originally, so I decide to be polite.

From: Mat
Sent: Friday, October 07, 2005 11:17 AM
To: jr@jrjackson.com
Subject: RE: LIVE Corporate Overview Schedule

The point is that it looks suspiciously like one of those deals where they say, "We're very interested in you, come to our informational meeting and become part of our team." So you take a day off work, drive an hour to someplace with high hopes, and then find out halfway through the meeting that they want you to be an Amway or insurance salesman and all you have to do is put up a small amount of money and they'll get you started right away. Those of us in the search are getting hammered by those types who come to us from Monster and CareerBuilder, so it pays to be overly-suspicious and err on the side of caution.

That being said, if your business is not like that, I apologize for insinuating the possibility. And the fact that you sent a personal response goes a long way to suggesting you are legit.

In the end, if I was to view your webcast from home, I'd have to do it on my Mac, and that won't work through your system, so it's just not to be this time, I guess. Good luck with your search. I hope you get the people you need.

Thanks for the opportunity.

Makes sense, right? Pleasant, but not really any more open
to continuing. But I get like three more invitations to the webmeeting
that I already said I couldn't watch. Then, the executive writes me
again (*sigh* So tenacious).

On 10/7/05 3:48 PM, "jr@jrjackson.com" jr@jrjackson.com wrote:

Mat I do understand where you are coming from. I remember when I was looking for a job I wasted a lot of time doing exactly what you just described. That is one reason we offer the presentation online so you can take 30-minutes and watch the entire information about our
business.

The project we want to talk with you about is identity theft and how you can help people.

J.R.

Damn it, J.R.! Your time-share sales tactics are so alluring, it takes every muscle to keep from allowing myself to be pulled into your glorious vortex of semi-legal commerce. I am Carrie-Ann to your Poltergeist...I cling to mommy's hand, but my feet hang in the air beside me as you draw
me into the light...I - can't - hold - on.

Oh, by the way, did I mention (twice) that I have a Mac and can't view your presentation. Yeah, that's still gonna be a problem. Not to mention that he hasn't named his company or tried to tell me what the hell they do yet. Who does that if they're legit? So I take a chance and do some super-secret spy-type stuff and take the name off of his e-mail address and get a gander at this: www.jrjackson.com

"No, no missa Mat, suh...we ain't no Amway or insurance scam, we's a wholesome PYRAMID SCHEME that aims ta sucker bof our employees and as many little old ladies as we can." AMWAY! I cry AMWAY!

Then, as if by divine kismet, I get this e-mail...

On 10/7/05 8:03 PM, "Professional Recruiters" CandidateEmail@site.careerbuilder.com
wrote:

Your resume caught our attention! -PH

A rare alliance has recently been formed between our 33
year old, New York Stock Exchange Company, Pre Paid Legal Services,
Inc. and the largest risk management and criminal investigation company
in the world, Kroll, for the roll out of a new and very comprehensive
Identity Theft Shield.

We are looking for entrepreneurial people for direct business-to-business
marketing as well as employee group marketing. In addition we are seeking
associates to build and train marketing teams.

Our associates are independent and work out of their homes.
They set their own hours, are paid immediatedaily advance commissions,
and can take advantage of numerous legitimate home based business tax
deductions, and can also develop an ongoing, residual income stream
for life. After a year associates can also qualify for a car bonus.

If you're up for the challenge to develop multiple streams
of income, full or part time, to secure your financial future, please
respond to this business opportunity immediately.

If you are interested in moving to the second phase, please
fill out the information form http://www.lspmarketing.com/application.htm
(please copy and paste link to access application on the web).

If we don't hear back from you, we do wish you the best in finding whatever
you are looking for.

Thank you.

We will not contact you again unless you contact us desiring more information about the opportunity of Pre-Paid Legal Services Inc.

Watch out Executive Recruiter! The Professional Recruiters
are coming this way, and they want me to sit on YOUR level of the pyramid.
So I attach it to his e-mail and give him a friendly warning.

From: Mat
Sent: Friday, October 07, 2005 6:17 PM
To: jr@jrjackson.com
Subject: Re: LIVE Corporate Overview Schedule

See, now that's funny. Cause apparently your company wants
me for your position...

JR wrote back, not understanding. I responded, "Did you notice
the attachment?" He said, "I don't open attachments." So I sent it to him
in the body of the e-mail and decided it was time I got to have a little
fun...

I hate to be the one to tell you, but it looks like your
bosses are trying to replace you. They don't mention why in there, but
I can't imagine they have a legitimate reason, so I'm thinking some
corporate-climber beneath you must be trying to get you ousted.

What do you think our next step should be? Should we ferret out this
climber and kill him, or do you think it would be better if I went to
an interview and exposed their web of deceit? We could wire me up and
you could listen in a van on the street, recording the whole thing,
and we could blackmail them by threatening to expose them on Larry King.
Think of it JR! We'd never have to work another day in our lives!

Let me know. I've got camo pants and boots that would be
perfect for either operation. In fact, we should probably refer to this
by a codename from now on in case someone intercepts our communications
(there's all kinds of hackers and identity thieves out there, you know
- somebody needs to do something about it). Let's call it "Operation:
Dallas" from now on.

We'll get 'em JR, don't you worry. Operation: Dallas has commenced!

UPDATE: 10/12/04

So time passed. I heard nothing from JR directly, though he continued to send me updated schedules for the Web meetings that I told him repeatedly I could not attend. And then today I get this:

From: "Deborah" <recruiter@corporateoverview.com>
To: Mat
Subject: I'm not sure if you rec'd the last email or not
Date: Wed, 12 Oct 2005 07:04:55 +0000

Mat, you had registered to attend one of our live web interviews. Here is the link to attend:

http://www.corporateoverview.com

If you had problems logging in you may go to

http://www.corporateoverview.com/errors.html

We have several live web interviews going on both today and tomorrow for your convenience...

And so on and so forth, same old schedule of the webcasts, but now from someone new.

Oh, Deborah, you were an innocent drawn into the fray.
But you're guilty by association, so now you must pay.

From: Mat
To: "Deborah" “recruiter@corporateoverview.com”
Subject: Re: I'm not sure if you rec'd the last email or not
Date: Wed, 12 Oct 2005 13:02:49 +0000

Deborah,

I have not heard from JR in too long. I am assuming the worst. Please relay this message to him for me if he should contact you, perhaps through a radio he steals from the body of a captor he overpowers or maybe from a carrier pigeon that lands by his cell that he befriends with crumbs of his lunch and the charm that surely helps him sell more Amway than any others trying to claw their way to the top of this mystical pyramid.

DEAR J.R.:
Please keep your spirits high, imprisoned comrade STOP
I am beginning Operation: Dallas in your absence STOP
Plan to infiltrate enemy headquarters with "wire" before they can break you STOP
Expect to be able to buy your freedom and negotiate a deal to put us both on easy street STOP
Hope Deborah can be trusted STOP
See you soon, Pooky XOXOXOX STOP

Bless you, Deborah, and Godspeed!

One last update to this. As JR seems to prey upon more people, the number of people coming here grows exponentially. I welcome your thoughts and comments, but since the comment section of this post is getting so long, I invite you to comment here. Let me know if you get eMail from other spam-scammers you want me to contact, I'm getting the itch to do this again. JR's been killer-good for my traffic, and he makes me laugh.

"Let them eat..." stuff that will lead to food poisoning

This one isn't actually a comment about the company, so I'm going to forego the usual Dilbert Rating. This is really just a double-rant that I think many can understand.

Rant 1 - vending machine ebola incubator
We have a vending machine in the lunchroom that has sandwiches in it. At the end of the week, the guy comes, refills the machine, and leaves anything past it's date on the table for people to have if they want it. Now, I'm no germ-freak, and I'm the first one to stand up and admit that I've eaten 3-day-old pizza that never made it to a refrigerator. But these are factory-made sandwiches that are already past their due-date, that the guy then sets on the table to marinate at room temperature for however long it takes the right employee to stumble across and take them (and I've seen them disappear after sitting for 6 or more hours). Ungh. And some of those are BREAKFAST sandwiches, man...week-old eggs in croissants that have been sitting at room temp for most of the workday. If the bacteria don't get ya, you'll still love the preservatives. Foul man...just foul.

Rant 2 - How useless are you
There's a community refrigerator that I put my lunch in every day. I always have to find some way to bury it amongst all the other crap in some way that will still allow me to shut the door. This thing is full of half-to-mostly-empty Chinese food containers, pizza boxes, and drink bottles that haven't moved in a week, so they can't be missed by anyone. It can't take any more effort to walk your empty box to the garbage can than to walk it to the fridge. Just have some blessed common sense! That's the real problem of the stupidity of upper management, it breeds from the top down. And to top it all off, there's a sign on the front of the fridge that says it's cleaned out every Friday so make sure you take out anything you want or it will be tossed. Every Friday - right. Some of that stuff has been in there so long I swear it growled at me when I opened the fridge this morning. Idiots.

Were the Nazis guilty for following Hitler's orders?

I received instruction that Mike and I shuld do everything we can this month to make the sales goal (which is a number they picked out of the air, not based on anything), no matter what it costs. As in, it's okay if it costs me $150 to make $200 even though I could easily make $150 for $25. I'm figuring that either there is aome creative accounting afoot, or someone's looking to pump the numbers up so they can sell the company. Either way, it's shady and it's bad business.