In Absentia or "I may be fat, but you're ugly, and I can diet"

Yesterday I had to go to New York with Franz for a business meeting. I got to hear all the lines about we're all on the same team and how he feels the same way we do about the Bill & Rob and all that jazz. Honestly, if I had about 5 less knife wounds in my back from where he sacrificed me in meetings just for the sake of having someone to dominate, I might have considered his opinions.

I talked about my personal life a lot more with him than I would have otherwise, but there were three main reasons. First, uncomfortable silences, multiplied with the kind of disdain factor I carry for him could very well be terminal, so I babbled in an effort to alleviate all possibility of silence. Second, while I do intend to get fired from this place if I don't find another gig on my own before I go nuts, yesterday was not the day. And if he would have asked me certain questions about the company, I would have replied in a manner that would have meant we could no longer be seethingly courteous with one another. He would have, too, because he's the kind of guy that will say the worst (or in this case, most truthful) things about the higher-ups so that he can use them against you later. He's a climber, and climbers only have friends until the shit gets deep enough that they need to be used as stepping stones. Third, as happens in my family, discomfort can be just as lip-loosening as two beers and dimmed lighting. So I babbled. Meh, there are worse genetic traits -- complete lack of management skill, for example. And I can stop drinking any time, they'll still be morons (clinical definition).

So Mike got a free pass. For some reason they pretty much leave us alone when one is missing. It's odd -- when there are two of us doing the work of five, they'll jump all over us and distract at every opportunity, but when it's one picking up all the slack, that's finally enough overwhelmitude to treat us like we should be treated.

Anyway, his pass ran out at 3:00 when he had to attend a "webinar" (confrence-call seminar, supplemented with an online presentation) about web stuff in the conference room with Rod. Now, for those who haven't had the pleasure of a webinar, the panel that's presenting can talk amongst themselves and to the rest of the audience, but the audience can only listen in. Often they'll have a chat open on the computer at the same time so you can ask questions if you need to, but otherwise, it's a one-way deal. So Rod gets in the conference room after the whole deal starts and flumps down at the table. On the speaker they're going through introducing the panel. Rod taps foot and starts hyperventilating and says "Excuse me," obviously not talking to Mike. Mike smirks and waits, the lady doing introductions just keeps going. "Excuse me, this is Rod Tyler and I wonder if we can speed this up because I have a lot to do." The lady has kept talking the whole time and never acknowledged Rod.

"Rod," Mike says, actually laughing at him, "she can't hear you." Rod sits back in his chair, stares at a point on the wall somewhere over the computer, and doesn't move for the 45 minutes they're in there, like someone flipped a switch in the small of his back.

Now, as I've said before, I'm not a techno-snob so I don't laugh at him for not knowing he wasn't being heard. I laugh at him for:

1. Having enough of an ego to think someone outside of his industry might vaguely know or care who he is.
2. Being enough of a prick to start talking over the lady presenting and continue until he was finished, despite the fact that she had the conversational right-of-way and never stopped.

Number 2 I hate especially because I've seen him do it in meetings. He asks a question, lets you start and then turns to ask someone else something else before you can give him an answer. I'm sorry, but that's a bullying tactic used by weak people who know they can't really back up their own point, and the next time he tries to pull it on me, I'm going to be drawing unemployment within 48 hours, because what I will have to say will not be the kind of stuff you can "work through."

Deferred Payment

Our boss went to a meeting last week where he "learned" a number of things that we have been telling him for months. This isn't the first time Mike and I have been at a job where this happens.
The boss pays you money to come work for him, you suggest a million things that should be done to make the site better, backing them with articles, expert opinions, notes passed in math class, whatever, and he ignores you and snorts like you are the lamest individual to ever walk the planet. Then he goes to a conference or trade show, hears a roumer, and now he has the answer to the worlds problems that nobody could have ever bought because it was only available through his sensitive information-gathering and superior deductive reasoning abilities. So he comes back with the grail and looks at you like you deserve to get no raise this year since you couldn't come up with this (even though you did six months ago).

Fortunately, our egos aren't so huge that not getting credit is the problem. The problem is, when they shot you down six months ago, you started working on other projects and immediately got yourself into a situation where you would have to hire an intern if you wanted to go to the bathroom during work hours. So now this sanctimonious jagoff walks in with ten of your ideas in his mind as his and wants them all produced in the time it would take for you to do the planning for one. And of course, failure to do so is going to mean that you get no raise next year, and busting your butt to make it happen isn't going to get you recognized either because then you were just doing your job. You do it, you keep your miserable job but lose the respect of your friends, family and coworkers. You fail, you lose your job and get another one for some similar jerk, but at a bit less money, plus no benefits for 3 months and no 401k for a year, not that it matters because companies don't contribute anymore, not that it matters because they'll just find a way to steal it from you when you need it most so you can die loveless, homeless and pennyless in a ditch by the side of the road - ALL BECAUSE YOUR BOSS IS A DEAF, EGOMANIACAL MORON WHO ONLY HAS A JOB BECAUSE DADDY GAVE IT TO HIM!

So anyway,we got an idea for a web site that works like this:

1. lower-level employee has an idea
2. said employee goes to the site, gives his idea, the reasoning behind it, and the name of a top competitor
   
3. web site hires an old republican-looking actor to make a video expressing said idea as gold
4. web site e-mails video to lower-level employee's boss, making it look like it was accidentally routed to him when it was supposed to be going to the competitor
5. boss thinks it's gold, feels all shrewd for "intercepting" this communication to his competition, and immediately green-lights the project

I'm not sure how the site would make it's money yet, but I bet we would be flooded with requests five minutes after going live.

...

'Mat, Come on down! You're the next..."

I proposed to Mike this morning, and he concurred, that we should pitch a new reality show to the networks. It would be an anti-Apprentice style show where 10 people are picked and given jobs at Tyler Gifts. Every week, someone is kicked off, and you hear post-interviews like:

"Thank God! When I failed to do anything productive last week, I was sure they were going to keep me. I just want to say hi to all my friends and family, thank them for their support, and let them know that this experience has changed my life. I'm giving up my reckless lifestyle and going straight from here on out. I never want to be caught in a place like that again!"

Week after week, the useful people are berated and the most useful is fired. The person left standing at the end is punished for his absolute uselessness by being given a lifetime appointment to a mid-level position in the company.

The only catch is, it wouldn't really be lifetime since this place will fold within 3 years. But I bet the "winner" will walk out of here on his knees on the day this place locks the doors, praising God and promising to be a better person for having been given a second chance at life.

May I be to helping you please

Last night we tested using an Indian company to handle after-hours customer service. I guarantee you it won't be long before they're handling it 24 hours. Between that and the aggressive spamming policy here, I figure we should be at -4 customers within 30 days.

Marketing so brilliant that it defies all logic and rational thinking.

Freud would be proud

This isn't even from my workplace, but it made me laugh this morning. I guess the "pressure" is getting to other people too. This was a form letter that went out to perhaps hundreds of clients. Spell check is a wonderful thing. Beware "Replace"ing without paying attention.


-----Original Message-----
From: Borja
Sent: Tuesday, September 20, 2005 10:17 PM
Subject: New Contact Information

After a professionally rewarding 7 years with B* F****/C******** J******* I have decided to embark in a new journey. This email address will not be valid after September 30th. If you need to contact me please send an email to b********@gmail.com.

It has been a pressure working with you and I hope our paths cross again in the future.

Regards,
Borja
--------------------------------------------------------------------------

Blowin' up the place

Did I ever mention we're not allowed to make microwave popcorn? Someone a year ago accidentally burned some popcorn which is a terrible smell if you've never witnessed it -- like the smell of Starbucks on a 101-degree day. Bill happened to walk by the caf and notice it, pitched a bigger fit than you could get out of a 50-foot-tall 3-year-old, and banned all popcorn makinkg from that day forward, amen.

So I'm trying to watch my diet, and what's the one snack I allow myself anytime in any quantity? Popcorn. So now I have to pop my beloved corn in the morning at home, bag it, put it in my briefcase, and sneak it in like contraband in a prison. As if being on a diet and eating 98%-Fat-Free popcorn wasn't immasculating enough...

So anyway, that's why I've decided that when I'm ready to be fired, I'm going to be eating breakfast at work. And it's going to be baked cod. And it's going to be well-done. And it's going to be every day. Because if you've ever had microwaved fish, you know that can stink a building up for hours.

Going, Going, Gone

Part of my job is to put stuff on eBay. If I'm really busy and Franz can't wait 10 minutes to get a product on there, he will do the listing himself. Now, he does a crappy job of making the listings look nice, but I can get past that. You don't have to venture very far on eBay to find listings far crappier. My beef comes from the fact that when he does it, he adds all the bells and whistles they charge extra for, making a listing that could be made for $10 cost between $80 and $100. So he gets all full of himself when we sell 20 pieces of a $15 item, not caring that we barely turned a $40 profit for the whole effort.

That's how it runs here, all about sales, no concern about profit. Franz is the same guy that, when the eBay program was young, listed 1,000 pieces of a super-hot product despite the fact that we had none in stock and weren't going to be getting any for a month. He's a smart one.

Let me get right on that

Apparently, this happened a week or so ago but Mike was too mad to tell me about it. It explains some of his behavior at the time. He was more bitter than usual.

Fairly accurate reproduction of an actual conversation, I b.s. you not…

Rod (VP of catalog stuff, who is not even our boss, by the way): Mike?
Mike: Yeah?
Rod: Your wife is getting close to the end of her pregnancy isn’t she?
Mike: Yeah.
Rod: Can you do me a favor and put me in contact with her doctor?
Mike: What for?
Rod: We want to contact him and ask him to keep us posted when the time comes so we know exactly when to let you leave
Mike: What?
Rod: Well, if she goes into labor in the morning, but won’t actually give birth until the evening, we want to make sure we have you here as long as possible.
Mike: No. When the time comes, I’m going.
Rod: But Mike, you’re very important to business here and we need you.
Mike: No.

Tell me, does that begin to demonstrate how out of touch with reality these people are? These are the people that got pissed at me when I had to be out for Jury Duty–told me I should just “not go.”

I edited my resume two days ago. I start posting it online this weekend.

Isn't it ironic? Dontcha think?

Mike and I received an e-mail this morning asking if we wanted to go to a seminar about e-mail marketing in NYC to which I replied:

From: Mat Weller
Sent: Tuesday, September 13, 2005 8:34 AM
To: Franz Richards; Mike
Subject: RE: Best Practices Workshop on E-mail Marketing
I would like to go, and I think we could get some great information there, but I think it would be a waste of the company's money since what Mike and I know is not taken into consideration for the e-mail campaigns.

To which he replied:

From: Franz Richards
Sent: Tuesday, September 13, 2005 8:35 AM
To: Mat Weller; Mike
Subject: RE: Best Practices Workshop on E-mail Marketing

Sounds good. I'll go too.



Now, if I had any respect for him, I would say that he read the entire e-mail, and that was a snotty response saying he was ignoring my insolence. But I can’t credit him with that much intelligence, so I have to assume he only read up to the first comma and replied.

There’s a certain irony in being ignored when you finally step up to complain about being ignored.

I can't believe it's not satire (or is it)

-----Original Message-----
From: Rod Tyler
Sent: Thursday September 1st, 2005 1:04PM
To: Michael Pilat
Please disreguard tomorrow's e-mail blast. In light of NOLA incident push item number 22311 HURRICANE STAKE LUMINARY.
Also add anything else to encourage rebuilding. In email say that we will donate 20% of proceeds to Katrina fund. We are not going to donate, but it will help sales.
Make this a targeted email for people in the Gulf States.


Mike made that up as a joke and sent it to 4 different people. Everybody thought it was serious. That says something about our trust in upper management.

On the dotted line

A coworker came to our cube today with a question that was obviously being pushed from higher-up. It went something like this…

“We have these faxes from one of our vendors. Somehow, the completed ones with their signature got thrown away, but we have these earlier versions without signatures. Is it possible for you to scan this sheet I have with the signature and put it onto these sheets that don’t have them?”

“Um, no. That would be illegal.”

“*huff*, gee, *snort*, um…okay.”

I’m not going to even comment on that. It stands alone. If you ever wonder if I’m just ranting and embellishing for comedic value, please see this entry.