It's a fecal matter

This isn’t really related, but it goes to show the general mood around here. Think about the one thing you HAVE to do once in a while that you loathe most. It’s not an every day thing, but when it occurs, you sigh, your shoulders slump, and the cloud of despair settles over you until the mission is accomplished. Got it? Is the action in your mind the act of relieving your bowels in a public restroom? If it wasn’t, did you now change it to that since I mentioned it?

It’s no secret that said activity is one of the things people hate most. One of the only ways you can make it worse is to have your place of refuge be a port-a-potty. So now that we have this horror firmly planted in your head, realize that this activity is the best part of my workday. My body so needs this time away from desk and distraction that it has subconsciously shifted my regular 5:30 AM constitution to 10:30 AM so that I have to use the public restroom at work. Oh yeah. It’s a party for me. I make sure I have my cell phone with me, and I never leave until I’ve completed at least one game of Nokia bowling. It is truly my moment. It’s that scene in the movie where the character “goes to his happy place” and there are servants with fans and more catering to his every whim. Only difference is that my fan is a vent and electric-powered, and my only whims are sated by the brilliant man at Nokia who decided that what people really needed to be able to do on their cell phones is bowl.

“Budwiser salutes Real Men of Genius”
( real men of genius )
“Today we salute you: Mr. Cell Phone Video Game Programmer”
( Mr. Cell Phone Video Game Progra-ammer )
“While other members of your company are busy thinking of ‘wireless internet’ and ‘network connectivity,’ your singular obsession is turning the cellular phone into cellular FUN.”
( a thrill a minute )
“When we’re waiting for the doctor, our turn in the DMV line, or just looking for some distraction while pinching a loaf…”
( the splash wets my hiney )
“…you know that we don’t want to talk to our Moms in the hospital or to stay in contact with work. What we really want is to be bowling.”
( pass a beer and the rosin bag )
“So here’s to you Mr. Cell Phone Video Game Programmer. The world is our arcade, thanks to you.”
( Mr. Cell Phone Video Game Progra-ammer )

So anyway, I’m in there today, partaking in the ritual, on my way to breaking 200, when the main door opens and some dude enters breathing heavy and groaning. I’m in the 7th frame and bowling 150, so I’m reluctant to hurry myself. So the dude gets in the stall next to mine and situates himself to do his business, moaning and wheezing all the while. As I’m lining up for the 8th frame, I catch a whiff of B.O. Then I catch a bit more. Then I’m starting to feel a little queasy so I abort my game, finish my duty, perform a thorough but quick hand-washing, and evacuate with the quickness.

Now, first of all, if you storm into a bathroom groaning and breathing like the alien is ready to hatch out of your chest, sit down and begin your business while another guy does the same in the stall next to you, and the strongest smell in the room is your pits–you need to seriously rethink your hygiene regimen.

Second, directly to my passing companion (a double entendre/pun combination – damn, I’m funny), HOW DARE YOU KILL THE ONE SHINING MOMENT IN MY WORKDAY! I mean, geez, with the setup, I was all braced for certain types of noises and smells, and ready to soldier through these to get a little closer to bowling greatness. Then you go and pull the switcheroo… Not cool. Not cool at all.

This concludes my discussion of my bowels and how they relate to my work sanity.