Tales From the Cube Farm

"Dude, I really don't know"

2007-11-15T15:09:00.000-05:00

At BigHugeCo, I install software. A lot of it. But I don't use it. I'll go as far as to say Dreamweaver and Office are the only two apps I know well enough to troubleshoot. So when someone calls and asks me "What does it mean when I can't see my database in Microsoft ResourceHog 2007?"

"It means," I say, "you need to enter your settings, which I don't have because we don't support the app. The database admins do."

"So you'll help me?"

"I'm not a database admin. I'm a desktop technician."

"But you build web pages."

"Those are not databases, and I don't do that for BigHugeCo."

"So how do I fix this?"

"I don't know. Ask the database admins."

"Well, could you fix this for me?"

"Hold, please." Mute phone. Bang head against desk. Go to Starbucks on the lobby level. Return. He's still holding.

Just Say No To Crack... Berry

2007-09-28T14:03:00.000-04:00

I get maybe three calls a month on my corporate cell phone. In fact, I don't even take it home with me. As far as I'm concerned, the little electronic leash is an intrusion on my time.
Well, now BigHugeCo has decreed that all IT personnel will carry Blackberries.

Actually, all IT personnel will receive Blackberries. I suspect I'm going back to carrying only one cell phone, the little LG phone I got when I switched to ATT ('cuz Verizon was a bit pricey at the time.)

I'm not sure why BigHugeCo wants me to carry one of these pieces of shit. They don't pay me enough for 24/7 access. And there's nothing people can call me for on the weekend that I help with unless I'm in the office.

"But, Jim, don't y0u want to be fully connected?"

Not really. There's a reason I enjoy vacationing in West Virginia and Southeast Ohio. No cell phone or Internet access!

I'm sorry, but there really is nothing that important that anyone needs to get a hold of me that fast. Publishing? If Svetlana got an offer today for Road Rules, I most likely would not know about it until Monday. It would take me a few days to ponder whether I want to accept it or not. And that assumes Svetlana and her partner aren't holding back a few days to mull it over themselves. (15% of this hypothetical offer would be theirs. 15% of a turkey is still a turkey.) Then we'd have to negotiate, which would take weeks. All in all, nothing warranting an emergency call.

Family? My brother and in-laws know where to find me. Beyond that, you don't need to know.

"But, Jim, how can your employer reach you on vacation?"

Why would I want them to do that? I'm on vacation.

Someday soon, I will be completely freelance. Writing, web design, other nefarious misdeeds people will pay me for.

Then BigHugeCo can have back their overpriced, underused Crackberry.
Assuming I haven't sold it on eBay.

Cube farm hijinks from Seamonkey of SeamonkeyMusic.com

2007-07-21T21:41:00.000-04:00

This came to my e-mail recently and was just too appropriate to not post.

"Oh, here's some sh!t. I got fired today because, "I shouldn't have hired someone with the high level of experience you have for this job." WTF??

Ok, so this b!tch contacts ME and takes me OUT of the steady job I ALREADY HAD and puts me in a more remedial position for my line of work (residential title insurance) for less pay, but it was MUCH closer to home and right by my kid's schools. I was cutting 60 miles round-trip off per day. But at least I HAD a job and now... NOTHING. Fu*king b!tch."

2nd Annual "My Bad Boss" Contest

2007-07-17T12:19:00.000-04:00

WorkingAmerica.org is doing it again. If you think you've got a story, then get in on it!

Put The Coffee Cup Down And Step Away From The Pot

2007-07-16T11:30:00.000-04:00

I've been a corporate drone at the same corporate hive for about 8 years now. My last job was a stint at a retail big box hell I'll call "The Computer Stuporstore," where America used to get its computer equipment before Michael Dell and Steve Jobs mercifully cut out the middle man.

My job was as a PC technician, one of the guys in the back room working on whatever clusterfuck someone brought into the store. Well, that was my job description. My actual job was, from 5 to close, was to work the counter.

The Computer Stuporstore had a few bizarre policies. Everyone was reviewed on income generated, but technicians were not allowed to make sales. Naturally, we were always evaluated as "Losers." My personal favorite was "Overtime is not permitted and not tolerated at The Computer Stuporstore." Yes, we were written up for clocking out one minute late. I finally took to telling the operations manager to learn how to make adjustments since I'm too busy doing, yanno, work to be arsed with worrying about the clock. (Or "Poor planning on your part does not constitute failure on my part.")

The absolute worst policy concerned coffee. Someone at corporate decided that, if one drank coffee in the late afternoon, they were not rested enough. If they were not rested enough, they were not giving The Computer Stuporstore their all. And if one is not giving the Computer Stuporstore their all, management should intervene and give counseling.

Never mind we all drank Coke after noon, which not only contains caffiene but sugar as well. And the professional geeks in the back room? Half of us were Mountain Dew addicts and future type II diabetics.

In December of 1999, I got an offer to join BigHugeCo in a job that 1.) was accessible by bus and 2.) wouldn't insult my intelligence. The offer increased my salary by 33%. "Let me think about that. Yes." So I turned in my three-week notice at The Computer Stuporstore and embarked on a month long campaign to get myself fired.

I cussed out the general manager in front of a customer for telling her that I would work overtime off the clock. I punched in early and went to breakfast. I let the phone ring evenings while I spent half an hour in the break room watching Jeopardy. Did this get anyone's attention?

No. What did?

One afternoon, the new Starbucks opened in the strip mall next door. I walked over on a break and got myself a cup. This got the general manager's attention, who brought it to the operations manager's attention. The OM, his name was Roger, hauled me into his office for "counseling."

"Were you aware of the rule about coffee during afternoon hours?" he asked.

"Yes," I said. "Are you aware I turned in my notice and that I will be leaving your fine establishment for one that, unlike this one, pays more than people on food stamps get?"

"Nonetheless, for the next sixteen days, you are an employee of The Computer Stuporstore, and therefore, I have to ask you about your coffee."

"Okay, it's called Sumatra blend. It will knock you on your ass. For the largest size, it's $1.50." (This was 1998.) "If you like, I'll buy you a cup."

"J, understand that when we see you drinking coffee, we have to wonder why you're not getting enough rest."

"I'm not getting enough rest because I work two jobs. And no, you have no say in that situation. Unless you want to pay me more."

"I understand. But I still have to write you up and take a statement."

"Okay, here's my statement. 'I'm sorry you losers don't understand that sometimes people drink coffee because they like it. I'm sorry some moron in corporate has nothing better to do with his time than make up silly rules to make this place an even bigger hell than it already is. I'm sorry I still have to work here until New Year's Day.' Did you get all that?"

"You could quit now."

"You could fire me now."

Roger smiled. Roger actually got it long ago. He was biding his time until he either replaced the GM or he moved on to someplace better. Like everyone else who quit this place in the seven months I'd worked there. "Get back to work."

"You're not going to fire me?"

"For drinking coffee? Where do you think I work? Corporate?"

They never did fire me. Though the GM did avoid me after I cussed him out in front of a customer.

The PHB Is Real

2007-07-13T00:03:00.000-04:00

About a year and a half ago, BigHugeCo got a new CIO (Chief Information Officer or Career Is Over. You make the call.) The new CIO was a straight-shooting guy from India with a sense of humor. His underling, the Vice President of Infrastructure (or "Infantile" as we liked to call him) wanted the job.

Infantile was a poster child for bad management. His conversations were designed to hunt for flaws in the other person so he could cut them down "like a good manager." His all-hands meetings rewarded all the ass-kissers who'd worked for him since he was just a team lead. He openly trashed managers at the business units for being more concerned with doing business than [*gasp!*] following his IT edicts (many of which were overridden as part of the previous CIO's Monday morning routine. Coffee, read Wall Street Journal, invalidate all or most of Infantile's new policies.) Infantile had managed to become one of the few managers at his level where people questioned his parentage within earshot. And why not? He wasn't allowed to fire people, only humiliate them. And humiliation doesn't hurt your mortgage payment the way termination does.

When he didn't get the CIO's job after his previous boss left, Infantile decided the best way to look managerial in front of his new boss was to take him around and introduce him to the peasants. Where I work, we sat with the Help Desk at the time. It was a quiet afternoon, and one of the techs had us riveted with a tale of Duke Energy using his payment to pay someone else's electric bill. How did the new boss react?

"That's good, can you pay mine?"

Well, Infantile was having none of that. We just got friendly with his boss before he had a chance to poison the well. What a horrible crime. Infantile looks around and notices no one's on the phone. Well, it's a Help Desk, isn't it? Aren't these people supposed to be on the phone?

"Why aren't these phones ringing," he said. "Come on. Let's get back to work."

Silence. Staring. Roomful of jaws hanging open.

Finally, Rafferty, the one who had his light bill payments funneled to the wrong account, spoke up. "Um... People have to break something before we can fix it, you know. And they're just not breaking stuff today."

CIO cringed. So did we.

Infantile was fired two weeks later, replaced by an unabashed Office Space fan who let me keep my stapler.

We had a party.

Jesus Saves. Because He Knows What The Fucking File Menu Is For.

2007-07-10T23:33:00.000-04:00

[Reposted from Northcoast Exile, October, 2006]

Another week, another clueless moron at BigHugeCo who should not be let near a computer. Let's call her Jane, shall we?

For two weeks straight, Jane has complained that she worked and slaved over a masterpiece in Microsoft Word for three whole hours only to lose her masterpiece when Word froze up.

Why, oh, why, she moans, must she suffer at the hands of us unsympathetic technicians?

Because, Jane, you are too stupid to live. Let me clue you in on the novelist's secret weapon.

See, Janey, I write books (and allegedly published one of them.) And they take a helluva lot longer than three hours to write. And Word has frozen up on me. Windows has crashed. Power outages have occured. Do I lose anything when this happens?

Why, no, Jane, I don't. You know why?

Because I know what the fuck the Save button is for!!!

Yes, Jane, I realize I never went to law school as you did. In fact, I never finished college. And yet I know how to click File>Save As. It's one of the first things we all learn when using a computer. It's the very first thing I do in any word processing program when I start a new project. After that, I hit the Save button after every paragraph, if not more often. Why? So I don't slave for three hours and lose shit to a computer glitch. Oooh! What a concept!

And yanno what? They have a similar handy function on Macs! That's right, Janey. You're supposed to do this on good ol' simple, only a brain-damaged-chimpanzee-can-break-it Macs.

So what's your excuse?

Please ship your laptop back to BigHugeCo corporate immediately. Your new Etch-A-Sketch will be configured and shipped to you as a replacement.

I swear to God some people need to audition to be Steve Irwin's replacement.

With live crocs.

The Evil J Winter

Best. Scamback. Ever.

2007-03-22T11:02:00.001-04:00

This isn't the usual type of post for this blog, but it's too funny to just let pass. I highly recommend reading and listening to the call. It's a new twist on scamming back the Nigerian 419 scammers. It may be even better than EbolaMonkeyMan.

read more | digg story

There are not words...

2007-01-15T14:04:00.001-05:00

My Bad Boss

2006-08-09T20:59:00.000-04:00

Voting is wrapping up over at WorkingAmerica.org where they're holding the My Bad Boss competition. As part of the wrap-up promo for that, they're showing off this bit Al Franken did for them. It's worth a look and a chuckle: http://www.workingamerica.org/badboss/franken.cfm

Actually, his satire sounds so much like my ex-boss, the accuracy is scary.

Seriously, time to grow up

2006-08-06T01:13:00.000-04:00

Okay. I know we're all in a mode to save as much money as we can because the powers that be are working so hard to hoard it all for their friends, but come on people, let's maintain or civility.

I work for a place that sells high-end men's fashion. Our leading demographic consists of males with a salary in the $200k range or better. Yet, somehow these guys manage to act with less common courtesy than the average Wal-Mart patron, and I know this because it's MY demographic.

At least twice a week we get an e-mail that goes something like this:

"A month ago, I made a purchase from you that was well over $200. Then, much to my dismay, I received an e-mail from you yesterday that's offering free shipping on any order over $100. I am completely appalled at your behavior! I demand that you refund my $12.50 immediately or I will never do business with you again and will tell all my colleagues how you rape your customers as common practice."

See, this is why I'm not in customer service. If I was, my answer would go something like this:

"Dear Sir: We sincerely apologize for the anguish we have caused you and the economic hardship we have placed on your family by charging shipping to someone who is only in the top 10% of the incomes of all Americans. Surely, only someone in the top 2% can afford such an extravagant shipping cost, and even though none of that $12.50 comes to us, we will swallow it and cast aside thoughts of earning a profit on this sale. Please know that we are working to correct this error. In the future, we will have no sales at all because we want to be fair to all of our customers all the time. Thank you for bringing this error to our attention. We thank you, and all of the rest of our customers would surely than you as well. We will send them all your e-mail address so they can do so."

I mean, come on! Your order was a month ago! And it's not even like I wouldn't give you the money back, I'm all about giving good customer service. But you had to go on and be an ass about it, which instead puts me in a mood to post your credit card info on some identity thieves' message board. OF COURSE, I WOULD NEVER DO SUCH A THING, NOR DO I HAVE ACCESS TO YOUR INFORMATION IN THE FIRST PLACE, but the point remains. Completely without thought, you send your rant out to be read by the lowest folks on the totem pole, who have no idea who you are and couldn't care less. They want to help you despite the fact that you wouldn't give them a dollar to buy bread if they were three minutes from death.

Don't threaten. Don't become the lowest common denominator. If you really think you're worth the money you make, then act like a civilized being. You'll be surprised how many more doors open for you. Save your idle threats and bravado for the president of the company if it really comes to that. He's the only one who has a chance at knowing who you are or why it should even vaguely matter.

Work parody song

2006-06-14T22:03:00.000-04:00

"My Cubicle" - a parody of "You're Beautiful" found and hosted by PrestonandSteve.com - the Web site for the best morning show on Philly rado.

And the exodus continues

2006-06-05T22:58:00.000-04:00

more news from Tyler Gifts...

I heard today that the girl they hired to cover most of the technical duties that I used to have put in her 2 weeks' notice today. 4 months she lasted. You have to chuckle somewhere on the inside...or if you're like me, you laughed openly.

Slip o' the tongue

2006-05-17T23:22:00.001-04:00

Two of the ladies I work with were interviewing a potential employee today. They returned from the interview and were whispering VERY quietly to each other. I figured that the conversation was not intended for me, and I was listening to my headphones as usual, so I didn't really pay attention. Some time went by, and they whispered a little more. Then they turned to me and asked, "Could you what we were whispering?"

I thought they were worried I might have heard something and I said, "No, I wasn't really paying attention, and you know how I zone out when I listen to these things."

"Good" they said, and went back to what they were doing.

A few seconds passed and I decided to be nosey. "I don't want to pry much," I said in my conversational voice, which tends to be a bit louder than most people's just because my low tone carries far. "But am I to take it that your whispering means that he didn't get the job?"

One of them smiled a little nervously and said, "Maybe, but the reason we were whispering is because he's still in the room next door with Scott."

Smooth move, Mat.

So easy to laugh from the outside...

2006-05-01T22:27:00.000-04:00

More news from Tyler Gifts...

I have it from an inside source that Tyler just picked up a new nose hair trimmer to add to their next catalog. Now, personal grooming devices are not a new thing for them, but I think you'll agree this one is special...and classy.

And if that doesn't speak enough for itself, you can get a couple more words about it HERE. Another quality piece from TG.

ITEM NUMBER 2: E, if you're reading this, watch your back. I'm told you might be ruffling a few too many feathers there. Although, I would have to laugh my ass off if they tried to can you. I'd love to watch them try to pick up the pieces after. So, ruffle away.

Next order of business... Lou, thanks for checking in. I hope to get more juicy crap from you in the future. This blog isn't as vital to my personal therapy as it might have been once, but it still makes me feel good to reflect on how f'in stupid tose guys really are.

Finally, since updates are coming to this site more sporadically than they might have once, you may want to stick your e-mail address in the FeedBlitz box in the right column. They'll automatically e-mail you the posts and save you the pain of checking back all the time.

Pins and Passwords

2006-04-26T21:43:00.000-04:00

Greetings loyal readers,

Lou Madigan here for your entertainment. I would just like to first introduce myself as the man with all deep, dark, dirty secrets of Tyler Gifts. You see, for some reason, Bill Tyler took a very strong liking to me, and entrusted me with ALL of his personal, and company information. Seeing as though he's such a lazy bastard, and cannot do anything on his own, I was forced to memorize all pins and passwords to everything Tyler related. It will amuse you to know that though dearly departed, I still recall all of the access information to Tyler Gifts. You would think that any intelligent individual would make a great effort to change all pins and passwords, but intelligent individuals they are not. It's been nearly two months since the hell fires have spit me back out. I thought I may just try and see if I can still access the company information.

Not to my surprise...open sesame! E-mails and other fun things galore. Oh what great treasures shall these prying eyes find? We shall see...

"Um...hello Mr. Pot. My name is Mr. Kettle"

2006-04-19T20:20:00.000-04:00

More news from Tyler Gifts...

Apparently a memo went around recently announcing that the entire staff would soon be required to attend some kind of presentation about sexual harassment. Knowing that these guys would never do anything that costs money unless there was some sort of court order involved, I have to think somebody must have finally pressed some sort of charges.

But what would they ever have to claim?

Maybe the fact that Matt regularly makes comment about Carly's huge breasts without any concern about who might hear. Including Carly.

The fact that Franz threw a fit when IT dumped the trash file of his e-mail because that's where he keeps all is porn.

It's no secret that Matt takes regular business trips AND personal vacation time to go to Thailand to have sex with little boys.

So much to choose from. The question is, are they having the lecture to help clear their own guilty consciences or so that the rest of the staff can learn to harass like they do?

The foundation is crumbling

2006-04-12T21:41:00.000-04:00

More news from Tyler Gifts...

You may remember Vicki from a previous post. I received word today that she is no longer with the company because the powers that be continue to slow-pay their freelancers. Freelancers depend on the money they earn to come quickly so they can live, you morons! If you don't pay them, they can't stay - it just can't be done.

What amazes me is that Vicki was a freelancer who worked on making sure the catalogs got designed on time -- the catalog being the breead an butter of A CATALOG COMPANY. Maybe it's just me, but I always said that no matter how tight money got, I always paid two bills on time: my rent/mortgage, and my car. One is a basic necessity of life, the other takes you to work so you can make money so you can keep the house. Tyler has basically stopped making it's car payment.

Borrowed time, idiots. Borrowed time.

I love Karen, but I couldn't recommend her new freelancers in good conscience. I wish her luck, but at the same time, I hope they don't find anybody to fill Vicki's shoes. I can't think of anything better for the people there and the world in general than for that place to shut the hell down. Keep an eye on the deathclock. If they make it to zero, I'll be VERY surprised.

Despair

2006-03-25T19:40:00.000-05:00

If you haven't seen Despair.com, then you haven't visited the links I put in the right menu bar, and you should be ashamed. Not really, but it is worth checking out. If you can spare a couple minutes and need a good laugh, be sure to check out their podcasts (which are also available in Windows Media format if your Apple-phobic). It's so much like my former employer that it's almost not funny, except, from the outside all that stuff's a lot funnier.

You may have noticed that "Negative Format" has joined us as a contributor. He's from Tyler also, and may have some stories to add when he finds the time. I know I haven't updated too much lately, but I'll have somthing to add after you take a look at Despair.com.

Until then...

Atrophy

2006-03-05T21:40:00.000-05:00

More news from Tyler Gifts...

I don't think it was because of the fact that I reported his story here, but I do think the facts of the story probably had something to do with it. Lou was fired earlier this week. I haven't been given the full story, but judging by the fact that that the away message of his Instant Messenger account has said simply "Snowboarding!" ever since, I don't think he's taking it too hard. My personal feeling is that his talents were being wasted there and that it was really just something to do while he finished school, so it may be the best thing that could have happened.

The interesting facts that go along with this are that not only was Lou let go, but so was Rochelle (as I reported earlier), and a lady in customer service, and none of these positions are to be filled with new people. Instead, they are reshuffling people who are already too busy with all the work they do for the idiots, and piling these reponsibilities on them as well just so they can save a little money as the joint begins to implode.

It could be the beginning of the end, my friends. Perhaps I should readjust the Deathclock to compensate.

In honor of the Oscars, I give an award

2006-03-04T14:52:00.000-05:00

In case there was any doubt about how closely my former job resembled Office Space, I'm offering this Swingline Award to Tyler Gifts for outstanding achievement in screwing people over.

This is going to require a short trip into the past. First, let me say that the catalog department at Tyler consists of five people: Rochelle Fitsimmons, the buyer; Rachel Rutger, her assistant; Karen Samuels, the graphic designer; Marcus Paul, the photographer; and Rod Tyler, the putz. From what I understand, about two weeks ago a fifth member was pulled from customer service and added to this group to supposedly be trained by Rachel to help her. People on the inside, who are not ignorant to the ways of the morons at the top, saw this move as a possible threat to one of the people already in the group - most likely Rochelle for not much reason other than she makes the most money.

They pretended things were okay for a while, but apparently the tension got to be too much for Rochelle and she went to Rod to see what the deal was.

Based on what I've been told, and what I know of the players, this is a loose paraphrasing of the conversation.

"Rod, are you planning on firing someone in our department and replacing her with this girl from customer service?"

"Uuuuhhhh. Ummmmm."

"Are you going to fire Rachel?"

"Ur, aaaahhh..."

"Are you going to fire me?"

"Well, since you've figured it out, you might as well pack up your things and go this morning."

I've obviously picked up enough of the story to offer this recreation of events, but when I originally just heard that Rochelle had been let go on Friday, the image of "the Bobs" from Office Space (you can hear the quote by clicking on the title of this post). So the above Swinline goes to you, Tyler Gifts, for consistently meeting the low expectations everyone has of you.

One other note. Once before, I aluded to how much Rod hates confrontation. Knowing this, he probably left for the day before Rochelle did, and probably thanked God that it was winter so he could walk out with his coat in his hand to camouflage the urine stain on his pants from his no-doubt chiuaua-esque reaction to having to admit his shadyness. That's just a guess, but the image makes me smile.

The English devil walks amongst us

2006-03-01T12:31:00.000-05:00

Anybody know the rules of Menonite women? Maybe there's a Menonite guide online somewhere I can download? I'm mostly concerned with the rules for how men and women can mingle, or maybe how Menonite women and guys "from the outside" can mingle. I may have mentioned before that at my job we have a number of Menonite women working in the warehouse. It's not like I'm out there a lot, but I pass one several times a week on my way to get coffee or have lunch or whatever.

It seems like every time we pass, they give me a quick scowl, eye contact breaks, we pass, and nary a word is spoken. The first time it happened, I was about to politely say "hi," but "the look" kinda caught me off guard for that time and scared me away from trying again. Plus it made me all self-conscious so that every time I pass one now I start taking inventory to figure out if I'm doing anything that might piss them off. "Is she going to be mad that I'm wearing colors?" "Are they even allowed to talk to men?" "What if men talk to them?" "Can I say 'hi' without getting her into trouble? Even if she can't talk back, I can still be polite then...unless it means the man-menonites will make her confess to the sin and stone her or something." "Do I just smell funny?" By the time I finish talking in my head, we've passed and it's pointless anyway.

I'm not trying to make a love connection or anything, I just want to be friendly and socially appropriate. Oh well. Unless I can find the "Menonite Guide to Social Interaction" in the library or online, I guess I'll just have to stick with averting my eyes any time I see a skirt and bonnet.

Kicking the keystone

2006-02-25T23:53:00.000-05:00

More news from Tyler Gifts...

Poor Lou. Lou's official position is something like "Administrative Assistant" to Bill, but he really ends up being more of a go-fer. Bill needs Satellite radio installed in his car, Lou does it. Bill needs someone to pick up his dry-cleaning, he sends Lou. Funny thing is, because Lou basically does everything for Bill and all the VPs, he has access to a lot of important information. He has all of their e-mail logins and passwords, he has all of their corporate credit card numbers, he's been to all of their houses. If/when he leaves, they're going to have to go through a lot of trouble to clean things up in the wake.

So the other day, Bill flies to the Carolinas to visit his parents. Before going, he tells Lou that he wants him to come into the office on Sunday and print out his boarding pass and fax it to him so he doesn't have to wait in line. Now, this is asinine for so many reasons that I won't even bother to list them. Lou complains to John and John replies, "24-7. Your job is to kiss Bill's ass 24-7."

So Lou, having all the company resources at his fingertips, decides that's fine, but he's going to do it his way. He proceeds to buy a $200 printer/scanner/fax for his home computer with the company's money.

Hope your boarding pass was worth $200, because that's what you paid Bill! Loser.

Oh, and Lou applied for 15 other jobs in the half hour after his conversation with John. I am SO amused.

The snake eats it's own tail

2006-02-25T21:41:00.000-05:00

More news from Tyler Gifts...

Franz and John are both VPs and have been competing against each other for a long time. Franz strikes the most blows because John is too busy working to acknowledge him most times. John also has the ear of the president, Bill, so he doesn't have to really worry about this "climber."

I mentioned in a recent post how Franz had sent Rananah for training on the Tyler database before she was really ready, before she had been there long enough to know enough about the company to even really understand what it was she was learning. You see, originally the idea was for her to go with Fred the IT guy since he was the one that really would benefit from the training and she would get a general idea of what was going on. That was, until Franz saw his opportunity to become the Wormtongue to Bill's Theoden.

Franz suggested to Bill that Rananah should go to the training alone and that she could come back and train Fred with all the knowledge she gained. It would save money to send only one person, it would keep one more employee in the corral for those three work days, and Franz would score favor in Bill's eyes. He did all this behind John's back, and scheduled the trip a week before Fred could go to seal the deal. Of course, Rananah went and by no fault of her own, understood almost nothing of what she was there to learn. So she came back a little more knowledgeable but in no condition to teach Fred anything.

Fred, John and Bill have a weekly meeting, and in that meeting the subject of training Fred came up. John turned to him and asked, "has Rananah started training you about how the database works with the Amazon feed?"

Fred replied flatly, "You know she can't do it."

And John fired back, "But Franz said she was going to train you..."

Point: John.

Later that week, Franz instructed Carly to begin deleting old products from the database, despite the fact that everyone had been told by the database expert that this should never be done. Fred found out about it and went to let John know the deal. They ran into each other in the hall as John was walking with Bill to lunch. Fred explained the situation, and John gave a deep sigh and said -- to Fred, but plenty loud for Bill to hear, "Don't you love it when non-technical people empower themselves to make decisions abut things they don't understand?"

Point: John.

Mind you, I have little love left for John. All reports I am getting say that he is molding himself into what Bill would have him be -- something he managed to resist most of the time I was there. But the fact is, Franz can't be trusted any further than Rupaul can pitch a Volkswagen, and I'll be quite satisfied to see that climber lose his grip on the rungs and take the long fall. The image of him having to interview at another company damn near puts me into a laughter-coma every time.

Multilingual Mat

2006-02-21T22:54:00.001-05:00

NOTE TO SELF: It might be good to avoid using 'hood lingo - even in jest - at the office.

The president of the company came into our area today to ask one of my coworkers a question. As he was heading out the door, another coworker came in looking for one of the other people in our area. He asked where she was and I replied, "Ah don' know, she muss be hidin' from yo' ass." As I turned to smile at him, I glanced by the door and saw the president still standing there.

Can I make good new-guy impressions or what?

Ancient History

2006-02-21T22:46:00.000-05:00

For those who don't know me as well, Tyler wasn't my first interesting job. In face, I had two post-college office jobs before that pushed me to nearly leaving the office world altogether. I took a year off to become a framing carpenter which was a sweet gig in every respect except for bill-paying.

Anyway, one of the previous jobs was at a subsify publishing company called Dorrance Publishing. I'm not going to say too much about them, because that is the real name of the company, and I intend to post links to their site. However, it doesn't take too much thought to form your own opinion of that place from what you see.

My main colleague at Dorrance forwarded me this gem today that I just had to share with you for a chuckle. I give you, The Ninjew.

Sometimes people make me smile

2006-02-16T21:15:00.000-05:00

Remember the guy that tried to lure me into his pyramid scheme when I was job hunting? At the end of that post, there is now a comment from somebody that was searching for info on that guy's company and found my post. Isn't that interesting? I mean, he has a site dedicated to his business, and I have two posts in a blog that gets very little traffic, and I come up high enough in the search to get traffic? That's killer! Hopefully it's an indicator of how sad JR's business is.

In other news, I wish there was a way I could link you to Tyler Gifts' website without revealing their true identity and opening myself up for a slander suit. From what I hear, the new girl - who was hired to do web design - doesn't know much about HTML which is a bit like applying to be head chef at a steakhouse, but not having much familiarity with meat. She apparently doesn't have the best grasp on PhotoShop either, because the home page of the site looks like dung today. Way to rep your $30 million/year company, guys! Bet you're glad you got to save a little money on my replacement, what does it really matter if your site looks less professional than something some dude would run out of his basement.

So, I sent them an e-mail offering to do freelance work for them for a reasonable fee...if they pay in advance.

Smoke gets in your eyes

2006-02-14T22:15:00.000-05:00

More news from Tyler Gifts...

Monday morning when people were going into work, they noticed something that smelled like car fumes in the back hallway. Apparently, when John went to snowblow the sidewalk, he decided to start the snowblower in the hall so he could attack the walk as soon as he got out. Here's what's wrong with that:

1) Who starts an engine in a building that isn't a garage or workshop?

2) There is a step down from the hall to the walk, so somehow John had to open the double doors and ease that thing from the building to the walk with the blades spinning all at the same time -- with a bad back. Somehow this made more sense than just going outside first.

3) There is an awning that covers the first 4 feet of walkway ouside the doorway anyway, so he would have been just as far ahead starting outside.

4) John is the smartest/best VP they have.

5) John is a VP! WTF is he doing blowing snow IN THE FIRST PLACE!? I'll tell you what. Bill, aka "Captain Patience" happened to get in early that day and didn't have anybody else in yet to exercise his manhood on, so he called John to do it. More great mangerial skill from the top down.

Man, I miss that place.

Fear is a very useful tool in Brainwashing

2006-02-13T22:36:00.000-05:00

More news from Tyler Gifts...

So Rananah, the new Web designer, was sent to Florida for training this week. Or at least she was supposed to be. You see, Philly airport has a tendency to delay flights if too many mice in the area fart at the same time and stir the wind up to .036 MPH and Saturday night / Sunday morning brought a foot or more of snow to all of Eastern PA. Her flight was supposed to be at 3 PM Sunday. Early Sunday morning Rananah called Franz and asked him if she could reschedule her trip, she didn't feel safe driving and chances were her flight may get canceled anyway. Franz said absolutely not and told her he would take her.

He didn't tell her he would stay and wait with her.

I hope she brought a book...and something comfortable to use as a pillow...and, now that I think about it, I hope they bothered to think about arranging her transportation when she landed since she's too young to rent a car and because she would have been inexperienced enough in such things to not think of it, and because if they were going to front the cash she would need to ask like 2 weeks in advance.

All this adds up to giving your brand new young person an impression of how the company works that is guaranteed to scare her off in no time. Meanwhile, Franz, you paid $5k for the trip to boot. You're a shrewd business man, alright.

So this place they sent her for training on the company's database is the same place they sent me last November. [Just for the record, in November I suggested that they wait until after the new year to send me because it was a very busy time for us and because I knew secretly that I would probably be leaving soon and I wanted to save them the money. There's another $5k in the toilet, gentlemen -- thanks again for listening to me.] It's good training that she should have (assuming they sent her for the right training, which they didn't with me, which meant I wasted two days and bunches of their money -- again, Franz's fault), but Fred the IT guy REALLY needs it too and Fred could have gone too if Franz would have waited a week. Actually, a lot of the logistics would be easier if Fred could go at the same time, but OH NO, Franz can't wait an extra week. Even though it would be one $7500 trip instead of two $5k trips. Even though it would help Rananah to actually get some time with the Db at Tyler before going down. Even though the information is not time sensitive and there is NO REASON to force this trip and ignore the facts in the last two sentences. What a tool.

It would be one thing if the place was AT&T and had more money than they know what to do with, but this is the place that had people work until midnight on New Year's Eve so they could get all the money they could before month's/year's end. Unbelieveable.

Complete side note: I taked to Tom @ the ISP last night. We might get to hear some interesting stories from him in the near future.

Setting the mood

2006-02-12T10:44:00.000-05:00

Mike recently gave me his old cell phone when he upgraded to the new Motorola RAZR. There was nothing wrong with mine, but it was aging, so I gladly accepted. My old phone played polyphonic ringtones, but not real music tones. The new one does it all, so I celebrated by downloading myself an old favorite, So, What'cha Want by the Beastie Boys. Yeah, it's a little obnoxious, but I like it. Plus, I receive calls on my cell phone about twice per month, and almost never during the day, so it's not like I'm annoying the world with it.

Regardless, I have been trying to make sure I put my phone on 'silent' during the day because people at my job just don't make personal calls. I've been pretty good about it, I've only forgotten to shut it off twice. Apparently, those days were the two I was due for incoming calls this month. Twice everything has been quiet in the office when all of the sudden punk rap starts blaring from the pocket of my jacket. Twice I have gone red in the mad dash to get my hand in there and silence it as soon as possible. The people I work with are pretty forgiving, and I doubt they think any less of me anyway, it's just one of those things.

Which makes my mind wander to another point. Is it just me, or does it seem that the more advanced phones have become, the harder it is to silence them? The one I had two phones ago only required the right grasp to cover the speaker and muffle it to a level that was quiet enough for me to finish the silencing the ring altogether. This phonecan be grabbed in a way that completely covers the speaker, and somehow it still manages to put out enough sound to keep a small nightclub jumping. I'm not complaining, it's just an observation.

"When I found out yesterday, dontcha know that I..."

2006-02-11T22:58:00.000-05:00

It's amazing how much I hear about what's going on at the old place without really asking. The grapevine passed me this little nugget...

They hired a girl fresh out of college to take my place. It's no real surprise. It shows their complete lack of committment to the only hope they have of saving their company in the long run. Not that it's any comment on her abilities, I know nothing about her. The point is, if they were serious they would have hired somebody experienced, which would mean money - probably more than they were paying me - and they have no concept of what's good for the bottom line beyond today. But that's neither here nor there in terms of this story.

Apparently Franz scheduled a conference call with himself, the new girl and Tom, the guy at the ISP that had been a great help to me and Mike before me. Franz and the new girl, who I'm going to call Dottie for lack of knowledge about her, sat in the conference room waiting for Tom to call. Apparently 10 minutes or so went by and Franz got very impatient. Finally, Tom called and before he could offer any explanation, Franz launced into a tirade about Tom's incompetence and chastised him at length complaining and being his usual prickish self with all the artificial bravado an over-compensating wannabe could possibley muster.

When Franz finally stopped to catch his breath, Tom broke in, "I'm late calling because you gave me the wrong number to the conference room and I had to call someone else to get the right one."

"No I didn't, you're just to stupid to dial it correctly," Franz retorted, voice ruffled with doubt.

"You did. You e-mailed it to me. I have it right here in front of me," replied Tom who then proceeded to read back the numbers.

"Oh. I guess I flipped the last two numbers"

"Yeah. I guess you did."

Not only smooth, but so telling of his character. If I would have been there, I would have laughed my ass off. And he did it in front of the new girl, whom he was no dout trying to impress with his managerial brio.

Why does it always come back to this?

2006-02-02T21:50:00.001-05:00

So, I'm loving the new job. It remains perfect. Well, almost perfect. See, I now work in a smallish room with three women. "Three women?" you ask, "oh, I feel so sorry for you Mat![/sarcasm]" Yeah, that's not the bad part. See, because the room is smallish, and because I'm not looking to leave the wrong impression on these people who have known me for three weeks, I'm guarding myself a lot more closely in terms of, shall we say, "bleeding the pressure from the lower plumbing." Not that I'm the type to gas the office on a regular basis, but when the system's on high alert and you couple it with "new guy nerves," It can lead to some significant build-up.

So the other day, I let the pressure build for a while, and then went for an afternoon walk to the lunchroom for a cup of water and a little of the old "vent-and-drag" maneuver (see also, " cropdusting"). Now, keep in mind, this trek involves a short trip through the warehouse, which would be the perfect place to dissipate extraneous gas. But, did I do that? No, I waited until I got to the lunchroom - a much smaller, enclosed space - and "depressurized" while thumbing the button for the water-cooler. No big deal, it was the afternoon after all, so it's not like the place was due for much business. So, I finished both and headed for the door. I flipped the light switch and closed the door behind me, and as I turned for the steps, my eyes went wide with horror and I blushed as I saw someone else coming up the steps to the kitchen. I probably could have tried to delay her with idle talk, I probably could have faked a heart attack and fallen down the metal stairs, but I'm pretty sure my shocked look and blush had already condemned me anyway, so I just smiled as I passed her on the steps and left her to walk into the methane incubator.

Oh well. People had to find out sometime I guess.

Resurrection

2006-02-02T21:48:00.000-05:00

The new job is awesome. Seriously, I don’t want to bubble over it like a little girl with her love of the week, but I couldn’t have thought up anything better if I had tried. It’s so professional compared to any place I’ve been since my internship, I feel like an adult again. And though I’ve been a little slow these first couple days, I think it’s going to be a very mutually beneficial situation once I get groovin’.

My boss asked me to call a printing company yesterday to quote on the next catalog we do. I was talking to one of the reps, and the conversation started all business then was just chatting like so many business calls are.

“So, you haven’t been there long, right?” the sales guy asked.
“Just a week and a half.”
“Where were you before?”
“A small catalog company called Tyler Gifts.”
“Oh yeah? I know about them. They’re not one of my accounts, but Franz is legendary around here.”
“Yep, that was my boss.”
“So, why’d you leave?”
“I hated the place and I was sure that if I stayed too long I wouldn’t be able to wash off all the scum.”
“Oh.[short pause] Then I guess it’s okay to tell you Franz is legendary for being a colossal prick.”
“The legends are true, my friend.”

I guess I always knew Mike and I weren’t crazy for feeling the way we did about that place, but it’s still nice to have some outside confirmation. Anyway, there are a couple more stories to tell. I’ve been busy, but I wanted to get something here for you all.

Thanks to all who voted in the poll. As it happens, there may well be another option that was not listed there – something I just found out about this week. I can’t get into details just yet, but some of you might be very happy to hear the news.

Oh, and – GO STEELERS!

The question on everybody's mind...

2006-01-21T23:14:00.000-05:00

Regardless of the vote, 'Cube Farm' will probably be around for a couple months, but I welcome your suggestions for the long term. Vote here and add your comments below if you have more to say.

Deathclock

2006-01-20T23:48:00.000-05:00

It has come up in discussion many times that this company can't possibly last beyond two years. However, since I can't believe how it manages to slide through this year, I'm going to add a year for "benefit of the doubt." Only time will tell. Maybe we should start a pool or something

Tyler Gifts Deathclock

New Links

2006-01-20T21:59:00.000-05:00

I just added Clientcopia and Despair, Inc. to the links. I'm not sure why I never did before. They're both killer-funny work-related sites.

The Skit

2006-01-18T22:04:00.000-05:00

I really have them over a barrel on this one. Hopefully they learn something about treating people how you want to be treated from this, but I doubt they can think that deep. You know how when you had that first restaurant job in high school, they treated you crappily and you and your coworkers all talked about quitting at the same time because they'd be screwed? You remember how it totally didn't work out that way? Instead, one person left and na-na-na-na-life went on. This is like a one-man version of that plot, but I'm actually going to make it work.

They're supposed to load new products on the Web site next week, which means HOURS of technical work that E won' be able to do. It's not his fault, it's not what he was hired for, but the fact remains. Plus there are scores of other technical issues that he won't be handling. Plus, there's a consultant in the place meeting with various groups of people throughout the week, which means everything is already lagging behind schedule. Beyond that, two days is just not enough time to document everything I do. I'm not saying they'll die without me, but there are certainly some things that are going to be set back indefinitely.

So I totally left a one-line letter of resignation in Franz's mailbox this morning and signed it "Good Luck." I thought about going in to talk to him directly, but (A) I didn't feel like it and (B) SCREW HIM, let him come to me. Around 10:30, he did.

"What's this?" he asked angrily, holding the letter out to me.

"I'm out"

"Two days?" [My notice. I've never left a job on short notice before. I gave these guys 'til Friday. Hehe.]

"What would you like?" [mind you, at this point I would have let him talk me into staying as late as Wednesday next week. I had already discussed it with the new job and they were cool with it.]

"Two weeks...?"

"No," I chuckled a little as I said it.

He huffed and walked into the server room and showed the letter to John who made a defeated shrug that said "I didn't need this, but I can't really be surprised any time someone leaves this place" and handed the letter back to Franz. Franz walked back to me.

"I thought you were doing good here." [He meant, "I thought you were happy." I acted like he was talking about my performance.]

"You were right. Best you ever had." [Nothing personal, Mike, just talkin' smack.]

"So why the short warning?"

"Because there's no. doubt. in. my. mind that if the situation was reversed, and you wanted to get rid of me, you'd give me less than 2 hours' warning."

"What makes you say that?"

"Come on, Franz, you know how things are done here as well as I do."

** silence that would have been uncomfortable if I didn't feel so good **

"Well, I guess you better document as much as you can before you go."

"I already started."

He turned and walked away in the same huff he came in.

Sweet. And by 'sweet,' I mean 'totally cool!'

Confirmation!

2006-01-17T17:57:00.000-05:00

So that's the deal. They love me, I love them, and they worked with me on salary. It's perfect. PLUS I'm going to be on a Mac again -- a new box with a studio display monitor. PLUS I'm going to get to do more design work, which I've been missing for a long time. PLUS it's the most "professional" company I've been in since my internship. PLUS I get a 50% discount on the very nice clothing they sell -- I may grow up yet! (okay, not yet...but the clothes are there when I get to grey to fake it anymore)

*joyful sigh*

There was some tension this morning. They asked me for samples of the stuff I've been doing lately, which made me think they were having second thoughts. Plus I didn't actually get the call until I was on my way home, which made for an unsure day. But in the end all was well. They wanted to see the samples to see what kind of stuff I have been working on recently so they can compare it to what they want me to do. The day dragged out because there were e-mail difficulties getting them the samples.

Ahhhhhhhh. I feel like I finally got the courage to ask out the girl I'd been checking out for a while and she's accepted and admitted she's been checking me out for a while too. Thanks to you all for being so supportive! I seriously have the best friends ever!

And now a word from a future business partner...

2006-01-17T13:38:00.000-05:00

I haven't spoken (with voice) with Dennis for months. When I checked my cell phone for messages on Sunday morning, there was this. This is why I love my friends so much.

It may not really be related to anything else here, but it talks about business, and it's damn funny.

A good read

2006-01-17T09:11:00.000-05:00

Signs to Run

Referred by Erin. Thanks for the tip!

Helen Keller

2006-01-15T22:08:00.000-05:00

"The world is moved along, not only by the mighty shoves of its heroes, but also by the aggregate of the tiny pushes of each honest worker."

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Quote taken from http://www.charityfocus.org/programs/qad/

Well, at least someone can see this place for the crime organization it is...

2006-01-15T21:34:00.000-05:00

PayPal froze our account the other day from ALL activity until we rectify all of our NUMEROUS current buyer complaints for non-delivery and other fun stuff. The funny thing is, since PayPal is listed as the primary payment method on all of our eBay listings, all of the active listings are useless, and we can't list anything new without removing PayPal. I don't know what you know about eBay, but trying to sell there without PayPal is somewhat like selling in Zambia but only accepting Chilean beaver pelts as currency.

Before last week, we were averaging $1,200-$1,800 per day on eBay, or about $.3 million per year. This weekend, we have taken in $12.98.

. o O ( I wish written words could convey spiteful laughter )

I can't even tell you how many times I've warned them not to screw with online customers. I only wish I could see it two weeks from now when they get banned from Amazon and lose a full third of their revenue.

Unknown

2006-01-15T21:32:00.000-05:00

“We pretend to work because they pretend to pay us”

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Quote courtesy of http://en.thinkexist.com/search/searchquotation.asp?search=work

You can check out any time you like, but you can never leave

2006-01-15T21:30:00.000-05:00

So we got a memo two Wednesdays ago. When I read it, I was so pissed that I steamed about it all the way through my hour-long commute, and I very rarely bring work issues home with me. Karen brought it to our attention. It had been delivered to our mailboxes sometime after 4:00 PM, seemingly intended to be snuck in under our noses.

What was it? An addendum to the vacation policy and a note to sign and return acknowledging that we have received the addendum. It's not fair to ask you to judge the policy revision without knowing the existing policy. Basically, the policy that I agreed to work under gives you almost nothing for your first 90 probationary days. After that, you begin accruing time until you come to the end of the calendar year. At that point, it works out like this: you have to accrue the time, but it works out to 10 vacation days, 5 sick days, and 3 personal days. 18 total days, if you're one of those people who takes their sick days as vacation. Personally, I'm not normally, but it's nice to know I have them if I need them and that I can take them without cutting into my actual vacation. This is how the time off works for your first five years, then you get 15 vacation days. Then, who knows? There's only like 8 people in the building that have more than 5 years, and 5 of those are the president and VPs.

The new proposal went something like this. It seemed unnecessary to management to separate the time off into categories. So they propose that we have "all-purpose" days now, and that we have 12 of them. "All-purpose" days? That sounds cool. Sounds like we can use them more flexibly than vaca...wait a minute. Twelve? We had eighteen, and now we have TWELVE? And nobody mentioned this to us, nobody said anything about the company needing extra help, nobody cuonsulted us on any of this. We're not in trouble; we're not being punished -- what the hell is going on?

I refused to sign the paper, as most of us did, and I made it clear that I intended to talk to one of the John in the morning and ask him what the hell the deal was. So Thursday, Rochelle and I cornered him in Rochelle's office and asked what was going on. John said he didn't think it applied to us, and we informed him that, from the communication we were given, there was no reason not to think it appled to all of us. He said he'd check into it and let us know. Friday morning there were whispers that it was to apply only to peole who were not past their probationary period as of 1/1/06. This meant that only E and Rob, the new IT guy, were going to be affected in our little area, but that was still unfair since they were hired under the old terms. Not that it mattered what was whispered anyway, because it was not documented anywhere, and I was assuming that the upper management was going to operate under the new terms unless I held some kind of signed paper. I tossed the memo in the trash and decided I would not sign it until they revised it.

Nothing else was said until Friday morning when we received an e-mail that said we had to turn in the signed paper that acknowledged receipt of the memo by the end of the day. It also said what had been whispered before, so that most of us would be okay but E and Rob were still screwed. It said that if we failed to turn in a signed copy by the end of the day, we would not be granted any vacation in 2006. I had to jump out for my second interview that afternoon, so I wrote in my objections, signed the paper (a new copy I had to get from Carly since I had ditched mine), and turned it in.

Rochelle had asked for a formally revised version to sign and got this in return. This is a straight copy-and-paste. Only the names and the portions in brackets have been changed, the over-capitalization and less-than-perfect grammar are all Matt's:

From: Matt Walker
Sent: Friday, January 13, 2006 2:43 PM
To: Rochelle Fitsimmons
Cc: Bill Tyler; Rod Tyler; John Farson; Carly Wymer; Franz Richards
Subject: RE: Accrued time off Policy

DEAR ROCHELLE,

[The company] HAS THE LEGAL RIGHT TO CHANGE IT'S TIME OFF SCHEDULE ANYTIME SENIOR MANAGEMENT FEELS IT IS NECESSARY TO ACHIEVING THE COMPANY'S GOALS AND OBJECTIVES. THE FACT THAT YOU AND OTHERS ARE BEING AFFORDED THE ABILITY TO REMAIN ON YOUR EXISTING TIME OFF LEVEL IS STRICTLY A COURTESY. IT IS NEITHER A POLICY NOR OBLIGATION OF [the company], NOR WILL IT BE WRITTEN INTO THE HANDBOOK.

THE FACT THAT CARLY IS ASKING YOU TO SIGN OFF THAT YOU ACKNOWLEDGE RECEIPT OF THE NEW POLICY ON BEHALF OF THE COMPANY IS SOLELY THAT, ONLY THAT YOU HAVE RECEIVED THE NEW COMPANY POLICY. IT IS NOT FOR YOU AND OTHER EMPLOYEE TO APPROVE OR DISAPPROVE OF COMPANY POLICY.

THERE ARE 3 LEVELS TO THE TIME OFF SCHEDULE AFTER AN EMPLOYEE HAS MADE IT THROUGH THEIR PROBATIONARY PERIOD. LEVEL I "1,2 YEARS" LEVEL II "3,4,5,6 YEARS" LEVEL III "7 YEARS AND ABOVE"

IF I CAN BE OF FURTHER ASSISTANCE, PLEASE DON'T HESITATE TO CONTACT ME.

BEST,
MATT

I love it. Not only did Matt just send everybody a big "F YOU!" but he made me realize that, even though I had been courteously moved to level two so that my time off wouldn't change, it was still going to be six years before I could look forward to having any more.

Do these guys know how to manage people or what? Man, I was going to take that job offer elsewhere, but then I'd be missing out on this Orwellian theme park and all it has to offer. "You're taking my vacation away? AND you want me to stay late to help make deadlines that are really just dates you pulled out of the air for no reason? Sure! Can I do it without food too? And will you leat me sleep here in a 4x8 room with a straw mat and a basin for a toilet? You've got yourself a worker!!"

Holy crap eating Tinkerbell! Are you for real? I mean, I know I'm not due to win "Most Modest Guy of the Year" any time soon, but I'm the first to admit that I don't know everything. However, I guarantee, given a similar company and similar circumstances to control, I could have a shop turning out twice the revenue in six months. Half of making that happen would only require the difference in morale between working for me and working for these ass-clowns. Unbelievable. If these jokers have any shred of conscience, they must whack their heads off their bathroom sinks ten times every morning just to numb that shred into silence so they can be just as stupid and thoughtless as possible without worry of any pang of guilt.

Albert Einstein

2006-01-14T00:08:00.000-05:00

“In my experience, the best creative work is never done when one is unhappy.”

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Quote courtesy of http://en.thinkexist.com/search/searchquotation.asp?search=work

Fish Story 2

2006-01-13T23:00:00.000-05:00

So I called Wednesday afternoon and said "I'm not trying to bargain with you or anything. I just wanted to let you know that I went over the figures with my wife last night, and we just don't think we can make a switch for what you can offer. So I figured it was best to let you know today so you could continue interviewing and not waste your time with me on Friday." I told her I was going to be jealous of whoever did get the position because it was as close to the perfect situation as I dared imagine. I explained how we were considering making it work anyway, that the decision wasn't based mainly on money, but how I had decided in the end that it was a big difference in pay and even if it meant me being disappointed, I had to do what was best for my family.

She said she understood what it meant to make those decisions, that she was the higher income in her family too. She asked me to remind her what number I was at now, and what her offer had been. I gave her the info and she said to let her see what she could do. So we hung up, and I was a little nervous because I didn't want this to be a negotiation. What they were offering was very fair for what they needed, it just didn't compare to what I was getting being Satan's lackey.

She called back within 5 minutes to say that she would be able to raise her offer $2k. Really, it wasn't much in terms of the whole, but it was AMAZING insofar as it was a great gesture that they were really interested in me as much as I was in them. I had laid all my cards on the table. They knew the job they were offering me was worlds better than what I had, and they still took a step further in my direction to make it easier for me.

I told her that I would have to talk to my wife, but that if she didn't hear from me early Thursday Morning, she could expect to see me on Friday afternoon. My wife reminded me, yet again, why I love her so much and just said, "I think you need to take this," when I updated her on the situation.

I didn't call Thursday morning.

I made an excuse to not be at work Friday afternoon. I outright lied, actually, which is so against my nature that it really says something about how little respect those above me inspire. I feel "bad" about doing it, but I don't even vaguely feel "wrong," and that's what's important.

I had a pleasant chat with the CFO. I got to meet the other people I would be working with, and they got to ask me questions. I got a tour of the facility. I was treated with the same awesome feeling from beginning to end, and they told me they would be calling with the "official" offer on Tuesday. I guess this means they might actually be off for MLK-Day on Monday, which could mean they get banker's holidays off, which would be AWESOME.

So I owe you an apology for not giving you the whole story sooner. Some of it was theatrics, some was me being cautious not to give myself over to that much hope that quickly, but now you know. And Tuesday we all get the final answer. Stay tuned.

Unknown

2006-01-12T22:43:00.000-05:00

“Many of the great achievements of the world were accomplished by tired and discouraged men who kept on working.”

UPDATE: Bills to pay

2006-01-12T21:48:00.000-05:00

I just wanted to let you know how this all ended up. Vicki's husband didn't come in. There was, however, extended conversation at lunch about how fun it would be for hime to come in with a folding chair and just sit by Rod's car until he wanted to come out for lunch. Rod, being the terrified-of-confrontation-wuss that he is would get to the front door, see the guy, and do one of two things.

1. Pausing at the glass door, looking at the large man seated near his car, he'd begin to tremble like an epileptic chiuaua caught in a paint can shaker. Then he would wet himself, turn around and ask the receptionist to call Lou so Lou could go out and ask the man to leave. Vicki's husband would refuse to leave and tell Lou why. Lou would relay the message to Rod. Vicki's husband would be driving away with a check in under 10 minutes.

2. Pausing at the glass door, looking at the large man seated near his car, he'd begin to tremble like a hyperkinetic three-year-old after an espresso and a freezer bag full of Runtz candies. Then he would wet himself, turn around and ask the receptionist to call the police. The police would come, ask Vicki's man what he was doing, and then come to the building checking the story. Within 8 minutes, the cop would walk back out, check-in-hand, and ask the oversized mechanic to be on his way

Win-win. But it didn't happen.

. o O ( stupid absence of poetic justice )

Anyway, the day after the last post, Karen asked Rochelle what the deal was...AGAIN. Rochelle talked to John. John said he would check. That afternoon, still nothing heard, Karen asked Rochelle what the deal was...AGAIN. Rochelle talked to John. John said he would check. Day ends. Friday begins. Karen asked Rochelle what the deal was...AGAIN. Rochelle talked to John. John said he would check, but this time Rochelle told him to stop dicking around and made it plain that she intended to be an utter bitch until it was worked out. John actually checked this time, and found that the checks never went for some BS reason or another. Karen had one by the end of the day for her husband. Supposedly the rest were going to be mailed out that day too.

This place is amazing.

Albert Einstein

2006-01-11T23:06:00.000-05:00

“If A equal success, then the formula is A equals X plus Y and Z, with X being work, Y play, and Z keeping your mouth shut”

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Quote courtesy of http://en.thinkexist.com/search/searchquotation.asp?search=work

Snubbed by Peons

2006-01-11T22:33:00.000-05:00

Bill came over yesterday morning and said, "good morning." Neither E, nor I turned around. We both answered, but _very_ half-heartedly. Bill paused a moment, then turned and walked away. I almost laughed out loud at the whole thing because it was spontaneously synced between E and I. Geez, poor guy's only been there since mid-November.

So now I'm thinking a memo's going to be going around -- not unlike the one that circulated after the great corn-burning of 2004 -- instructing us to follow another meaningless edict. "You must audibly anunciate the words 'good morning' after being addressed in kind by any member of the company with more seniority," it will say. And this will be the one that ushers in a new era of joy and peace unlike any seen by any office in America. Nay - The World! Yes! The clouds will part, the rays of sun will awaken our sensitive eyes and complexions (from being in the dungeons all the time), and we will finally see that total submission to idiots is the answer to every woe.

I better stop before the Republican party tries to recruit me.

Fish Story

2006-01-10T21:37:00.000-05:00

You remember the ooooooooooold episode of the Simpsons where Homer has the best job in the world at the bowling alley, but he gives it up to go work at the power plant because it's for the good of his family? That's what leaving carpentry was for me. I still maintain that it was the absolute right choice. And, to be fair to my current occupation, I have learned a few things I didn't know before, and the money is arguably better than where I was. But the fact remains that it was the happiest I have been in a work situation since my college internship.

Anyway, I had an interview for another job today, and I know everyone wants to know how it went. Well, everyone who reads my ramblings anyway. Except the people that are eating dinner, or curing cancer, or trapped under something heavy. But everyone else is waiting and trembling with anicipation to know how it went.

I have never had an interview go so well. Ever. By the time I was leaving, I was asking them details about the 401k plan as if I already had the job, and they were writing them down because -- though nothing "official" was said -- they did ask me back for a second interview, and they did say that they weren't really interested in doing any more interviews. They were so nice, and we laughed and talked more like friends than people dealing on opposite sides of an interview. Every time I asked a question, it was answered honestly and in exactly the way I would have wanted -- seriously, I couldn't have scripted the whole thing better.

So I told my wife, and my wife's mother, and my son, and they were all very happy for my great experience and they were all very encouraging, and we're all agreed that I should absolutlely take it.

Except...

Except that there's a substantial pay drop involved. Some of it you can argue with saved money on the commute, some you can write off as sanity insurance with no second thought. But we're still talking about a big drop. Anybody who knows me, knows that money doesn't concern me. If I have it, I'm happy to share it. If I don't, I just don't do things that require it. No big deal. But with a family, it's a whole new world. There are two other people's lives in the balance. The decisions aren't as easy as "do without." I don't want to ever see either of them suffer from want, and I would walk on glass for a living to see that never happen.

So, I feel Like Andy Dufresne after clibming out of the sewer. I feel vindicated, and I feel like there really is a business out there that isn't immoral and that doesn't want to rule its employees with an iron fist. I have peaked the mountain of jungle misery and glimpsed the gleaming temple in the valley.

But this time Andy climbs back into the hole because he knows he can't leave without Red. This time the natives catch up and drag me back from the crest. This one was big, but it's getting away. I'll call tomorrow and tell them not to worry about the 2nd meeting on Friday. They may try to counter-offer, then we may have more to think about. But really, they won't counter enough, so I'm going to let it go now.

But I have tasted freedom, and I want more.

Laura Scher

2006-01-07T23:54:00.000-05:00

Don't check your values at the door when you go to work.

David O. McKay

2006-01-07T23:51:00.000-05:00

"Let us realize that the privilege to work is a gift, that power to work is a blessing, that love of work is success."

Perhaps I am about to succeed. I have a job interview Tuesday, keep your fingers crossed.

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Quote courtesy of http://www.charityfocus.org/programs/qad/

The corporate version of a soldier's helmet...

2006-01-06T11:54:00.001-05:00

...as in - you need it to feel safer, but when the fit really hits the shan it ain't gonna help much.

I love this...

>> -----Original Message-----
>> From: Franz Richards
>> Sent: Friday, January 06, 2006 11:13 AM
>> To: E; Mat
>> Subject: Documentation
>>
>> Give some thought over the weekend how both of you can
>> document your work, so the other can cover the "basics"
>> when someone is out sick, vacation, etc. Thanks.

In case you can't read bossinese, that's "Um, we know we're screwing you enough that you're gonna bail soon, and we know we can't afford to lose you, so tell us how to do your job so we're not royally screwed when we throw this last straw on your back."

Aristotle

2006-01-05T22:36:00.000-05:00

"All paid jobs absorb and degrade the mind."

"She’s got nothing to say / She’s got bills to pay / She’s got no one to hate / Except for me" Seether

2006-01-04T21:38:00.000-05:00

As if there hasn't been enough to post about unpaid bills lately...
http://tftcf.blogspot.com/2005/08/trouble-in-paradise.html
http://tftcf.blogspot.com/2005/12/got-everything-in-my-mama-name-but-im.html

The company uses a lot of freelancers to put together the catalog -- copywriters, designers, photogs, etc. Well, our in-house designer, Karen, has been taking a lot of angry calls lately from freelancers who are owed a lot of money. As in, most around $2k and one guy is due $18k. I don't know if you've ever freelanced before, but if you're living on freelancing income, and some lame-duck client owes you more than $500, it's a big deal.

So last week, Karen asks her boss, Rochelle, what the deal is and Rochelle tells her to sit tight, she's on the case. Friday rolls around and still no answer so Karen asks again. Rochelle talks to some of the higher-ups and comes back and tells Karen that there will be checks that day. So Karen is sated (her husband is one of the freelancers) and she shares the news with Viki, the freelancer who cames in once in a while to work on site, and who was there Friday. The end of the day comes, and still no checks. Karen asks Rochelle again, and after checking with those above, Rochelle tells her the checks were mailed.

Mailed.

Even-though-Karen-and-Vicki-are-in-the-building-and-could-take-them-directly.

That sound shady to anyone else? Long-story-short, it's Wednesday, and no checks have been received. Vicki is supposed to work on-site again tomorrow, but I think it's a safe bet that if she does come in, she's not going to be alone, and she's not going to plan to stay and work.

Did I mention Vicki is an ex-drag racer with an oversized mechanic husband with oversized mechanic friends?

I'm taking in extra popcorn tomorrow.

Lena Horne

2006-01-04T09:23:00.000-05:00

"Always be smarter than the people who hire you. "

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Quote courtesy of http://www.wisdomquotes.com/cat_work.html

Raising the bar

2006-01-03T22:39:00.000-05:00

Okay. So, part of the reason I took this job in the first place was that it was sold to me as having a lucrative and attainable incentive program that could add as much as $12k per year to my salary. Shortly after I came, I found out that the target numbers we had to reach in sales were not based on anything, they just pulled a number out of the air and made that the deal.

For example, say the most sales they had online in a month in 2004 was $250k. They would take that number and make it the base of the incentive plan for 2005 so that if you made it again, you wouldn't get any bonus until you exceeded it by quite a bit. Forget that the $250k month you had was in December and forget that was the only time you came within $100k of it -- that's your new base for the whole next year.

I thought I had expressed to my boss that I didn't find that even vaguely fair, I thought that we had an understanding and that we could be more reasonable this year. Then Franz dropped the proposal on E and I today. Let's say that Mike and I busted ass and actually managed to make the impossible goal 5 times in 2005, and 3 of those times we actually managed to make it all the way to the top tier of the bonus plan -- $350k.

So guess what. Guess what the proposed $0-bonus-level tier is this year. Take a wild stab at it. $350k. Yeah. A 40% increase to get to the $0 bonus level. Who does that? Who's boss came to them this year and said with a straight face, "We've decided you have to do no less than 40% better sales this year or we're going to cut your salary. We think its a lucrative and attainable goal." Don't even raise your hand. I know your lying.

Drew Carey

2006-01-02T22:53:00.000-05:00

"Oh, you hate your job? Why didn't you say so? There's a support group for that. It's called EVERYBODY, and they meet at the bar."

Auld Lang Syne, or SSDD

2006-01-01T20:31:00.000-05:00

There are a few things you need to know as background for this.

First, instead (as you may assume) of orders coming in and automatically printing to our warehouse to be packed and shipped, our IT guys collect, process, and print out orders twice daily. Someone from the warehouse comes in and gets them and gets them shipped ASAP. When this process is done, credit cards are processed and we get money.

Second, a couple months back, our company switched to having some Indian/Pakistani/Malaysian/Whatthehellever firm handle orders after hours and on the weekends. We did this because it was cheaper than keeping the building operating all weekend and because shippers didn't pick up on Sunday and event he ones that picked up on Saturday didn't really ship until Monday anyway.

Third, if you're salaried, you get no overtime. You get no flex time. You get no compensation whatsoever for time spent working before 8 AM or after 5 PM. If you do it, you do it out of your own kindness or because you want to save yourself some grief the next time you do work.

Finally, we just concluded one of our best months ever. I can't tell you how well the catalog side did because I'm not party to their figures. However, I can tell you that the web side's best month in 2005 was January...until December beat it by 50%+.

Let me also explain the management theory of income around here. If you're behind your sales goal for the month (which was not based on anything other than a fanciful guess), you kick and beat your employees to pull in as much money as they can so you get as close as possible. If you're going to make your goal, you kick and beat your employees to pull in as much money as they can so you beat it by as much as possible. If you're going to exceed your goal, you kick and beat your employees to pull in as much money as they can because you're a greedy f'ing prick and you don't care if you burn our your whole staff by keeping them in crisis mode all the time. After all, there are whole agencies out there dedicated toward staffing your sweatshop, so why not take advantage of them?

So Bill decided that to celebrate this huge-income month, he was going to ban all vacation between December 26th and January 1, 2005 AND that the warehouse, customer service, and IT would all be asked (read: threatened with their jobs) to come in on December 31st. NOT ONLY THAT, but that IT would be processing orders -- not their usual twice daily, but -- at 8AM, noon, 2PM, 6PM, and...wait for it...hold on, this is a doozy...can you guess?...11PM! Last order processing at 11PM on New Year's Eve! AND, at that point the warehouse would have to pick, pack, and scan all 10 orders that might be coming in from that last processing.

Did I mention that the decision was made Wednesday, December 28th?

Knowing that we do almost no business after 8PM, New Year's Eve being no exception, what do you think the motivation was for this move? Squeezing every last dollar out of the year so it could be added to the bottom line.

Greed.

Now, I can deal with greed in business. It's not my style, but it makes sense that greed can help a business run. But let's break this down. Let's be generous and say we get to credit an extra $100k in sales to this year. That's roughly $40k in profit. Now you have to heat and power the building for an extra day. I have no idea what that costs, but lets say $200. Now, you have to have IT guys, a warehouse manager, and a customer service manager come in -- oh wait, we're not compensating them, never mind. Let's figure a skeleton crew of 6 customer service folks at $10/hour each - $900. Let's figure the same for warehouse people (it's probably more people, but less money) - $900. At least three VPs are going to come in. They're not going to do anything productive, but they'll be there to prove their loyalty to the company and at least give themselves one extra day off, which is like burning a day's salary for each - $1,700.

So, somewhere around 20 people and their families get their holiday ruined, you're not going to let them take off Monday the 2nd, despite the fact that the handbook says they're entitled to it (for no apparent reason, you just felt like mandating it), further lowering moral and increasing distrust of management, all to clear about $36k, which isn't more money you're making, just money you're stealing from next year while torching $3,700 in the process. That about the size of it? I hope it was worth it. When one of those people you railed comes in with a gun, it's going to be completely your own fault, and I'm going to laugh my ass off.

The Shadow knows

2005-12-25T21:23:00.000-05:00

This happened last week, I haven't had a spare minute to share it until now.

Rachel was on the phone with her husband, I could hear her through the cube wall. It's not unusual for us to comment in each other's conversations because you can hardly avoid hearing, but I didn't jump in on this one because she was livid. It was like 4:30 and her husband was obviously asking when she would be leaving. He insinuated that it might be at 5PM since that's supposed to be her workday, which launched a tirade in her. She laughed evilly and ranted about how Rod had come to her 10 minutes ago and told her he wanted the reports done (two hours' work, easily) before she left. And how it was unfair, but she said she'd do her best and Rod stressed that he wanted them despite the fact that she knew he wasn't going to use them for anything for another two days. She exclaimed to her husband that she was going to stay until they were done and that he was only delaying it by keeping her on the phone. They exchanged a firm "I love you" and the phone was hung up in a fashion not hard enough to be a "slam" but not even vaguely a "gentle, loving touch."

Not a full five seconds later, probably not even three, I hear Rod -- in his most Office Space-ish voice -- ask, "Um, Rachel? Um, you're going to have those reports done before you leave, right?"

Oh man. Obviously, I couldn't see what was going on over there, and the audible response was a muffled, teeth-gritted, "yes, Rod," but the flash burns in the upper corner of the room suggest to me that the only reason Rod wasn't killed by Rachel's gaze was that the part of her soul that doesn't want to do jail time for killing him took over her motor control long enough to avert the lazers from her eyes.

That part of my soul isn't that big.

If he would have walked in and had the audacity to ask about what he OBVIOUSLY just heard me shouting about on the phone, I do believe I would have tied him to my office chair and spun him like a merry-go-round while peeing on him before ripping out his tongue and slapping him with it until he shuffled off into the nether.

. o O ( Man, that was kinda vivid...I should probably get my head checked out... )

And to all a good night.

2005-12-24T22:24:00.000-05:00

In October we received a memo that, despite what the handbook says, we will get a day off for Christmas the Friday before instead of the Monday after. Furthermore, no vacation days will be granted during the week between Christmas and New Year's -- no exceptions. Great. We made plans in August for the Monday after Christmas that extended family arranged their schedules for. I might be more understanding if there were any reason I need to be there those dates more than any other, but there isn't, so I'm pissed. I do my best to settle my wife down, I bargain with Franz for a half day on Monday, and I get back to the lunacy.

Fast Forward 2 Months

Two weeks ago, I was given a list of priorities -- let's say it was 10 things to do -- and a due date: December 22nd. No problem. I still have my usual stuff to do, so adding this stuff will be tight, but I can swing it. So I get to work on item 1, and about halfway through Franz comes up and tells me Rod wants to know when item 6 will be done.

"December 22nd," I say with a smile, "when it's due."

"Oh. No," replies Franz, "Rod needs it today."

"Not possible, it's 2 days' worth of work and I wasn't planning on starting on it until next week."

"Well, get some help, and I'll tell him he'll have it first thing tomorrow morning."

So I work through lunch, stay a little late, and accomplish the impossible. Rod has it the next morning, and I'm back to starting item 1. Within an hour, I receive a phantom message from Rod with a list of changes to item 6 that amount to redoing the whole thing, despite the fact that I produced it exactly to his specifications. Then Franz comes over and asks about item 10.

"Well, I have to re-do 6 for Rod because he changed his mind. Then I have to settle some other crisis that IT is having. Then I have to do my usual crap. THEN I can abandon what I'm working on and start the last thing on my list."

"Great," sayeth the twit, "I'll expect it tomorrow morning, then." He then smugly walks off.

You see the pattern, so I'll spare you the details and go to the summary. A week passes, I have like three items from the list done, my normal daily work is now lagging behind, and it's the Tuesday before Christmas break. Franz wants to know where we are on the list and I tell him. "Well, it has to be done before the break, even if we have to come in Friday."

I'm a bit tweaked now. Under my original plan, everything would have been done on schedule, but they rewored things and added projects and generally doubled the size of the whole thing, and somehow never extended the deadline, and now I'm supposed to give up my "break" when I know we won't be any further ahead as a company and I won't be given any recognition, even if I walk on water between now and then? Yeah, I'm simmering, but I'm also jamming, and somehow the day has been fairly free of new crises, so by the end of the day Franz has changed his tune to, "at least we won't be here Friday."

The next day (Wednesday), the fit hits the shan and two more times it's suggested that we [I] will need to come in Friday to make sure all of this gets settled. I'm jammin' all day, plus I'm pissed about the "break" thing, plus the whole "fan fiasco" is going on. I'm angry to the point that I have imaginary fights with Franz in my head about it through my whole hour drive home in the evening.

I decide to be rational. You know what? I wanted Monday anyway, so yeah, I'll give them Friday, they give me Monday. Fair trade, we both get what we need. So I make arrangements with Mason's daycare -- because normal people have schedules that can't just be ignored every time something fails to go as planned, or somebody in China farts facing the wrong way, or whatever.

So I tell Franz I'll be in Friday, but that he has to give me Monday in return. He blankly stares at me like he's never heard of such a thing as staying Friday and says that won't be necessary. "Are you sure?" I ask. "Yes. We're going to be where we need to be by the end of the day, you won't need to come in."

AAAAAARRRRRRRGGGGGGH!

I call the daycare and give them the new update. Then the mad frenzy begins and I spend the rest of the day pissed that I've already changed plans for this stupidity multiple times, the further I go the more it looks like this crap is going to keep me busy enough to have to come in Friday after all, which means changing plans AGAIN, and if it does have to happen, I'm sure he'll wait until after 4 PM to tell me. And none of it's really all that important to start with! Damnit!

I _hate_ these people.

Luckily, it all turned out okay-ish. I didn't go in Friday, and I'm still taking a half day on Monday -- all around, a very Brady ending.

May you have a Merry Christmas and/or a good whatever else you might celebrate this time of year!

Up, up, and AWAY!

2005-12-21T09:09:00.000-05:00

Here's a little vocal treat for you. Thought I'd try something different to give you a tangible example of the stadium fan involved in today's debauchery. Unbelievable. Click the link below to hear my rant. The language is safe for work, but listening to audio at work in general may or may not be.

Got everything / In my mama name / But I’m Hood Rich / La-da-da -- Big Tymers

2005-12-14T22:22:00.000-05:00

Remember when we didn't pay the phone bill?
http://tftcf.blogspot.com/2005/08/trouble-in-paradise.html

Apparently some other bills have gone unpaid lately. There's a TV in one of the meeting rooms that's always tuned to QVC so Rod can watch it while he works and make sure no new produc have slipped by him. The TV channels come from a satelite dish, and for weeks there was a message running across the middle of the screen that said something about a late bill and that to get rid of the message they needed to call the provider. Now the message is gone because the TV is off because there is no satelite feed. I thought it was frivolous to start, but come on. If your company can't afford a $50 per month TV connection, it might be time to rethink getting satelite radio in your car. (The pres. just had his "administrative assistant" spend a half day doing that)

Then, I found out that there is apparently trash piling up by the dumpster out back because they haven't paid to have it taken away. TRASH! Come on, man! That's practically a utility. You shouldn't be allowed to stay open if you can't afford to dump the trash.

Should I be worried that last onth's bonus (due today) didn't get direct-deposited yet?

Room for one more, honey

2005-11-28T19:59:00.000-05:00

My new partner, whom I shall call "E" started today. God help him.

Fred lost his temper before 8:05, and then several times after. During one tirade, he uttered the words "I'm going to shoot those m-----F------!" Knowing Fred, I'm not really worried about it, but you just can't say that shit in the 21st century world.

That's about it. Nothing too big. But I can feel the stupidity volcano trembling as if it might erupt at any moment. That is to say, I feel good in general, and we all know that won't be tolerated. Who knows? We had a good weekend for sales. Maybe the holiday money will be enough to keep the stupid asses at low foolishness for a while.

Your vocabulary lesson for the day

2005-11-25T23:44:00.000-05:00

http://www.melindaruckerhaynes.com/2005/11/work-place-vocabulary.html

In the dictionary, under redundant, it says "see redundant"

2005-11-25T23:38:00.000-05:00

This place started selling things on eBay about a year ago. At that time, there was this kitchen gadget we'll call the WonderWheel. Everyone wanted one, it was the hot product over Christmas, we couldn't keep them in stock. But that didn't stop Franz from putting them on eBay. He put 1,000 pieces up there, sold them -- as in, actually took money -- and then made up excuses when people started complaining and shipped them as they came in. It was a huge deal that he never paid attention to, becuase other people (including me) had to pick up the mess, and he only had to smile and accept the bonus check for the sales.

We took tons of negative feedback over the thing, and anybody who uses eBay knows that your feedback rating is your life's blood. It's probably not unreasonable to say that you can reduce your potential sales by 30% for every percent under 100 your feedback rating is on eBay. His little bad business fiasco took us down to around 95%.

Those of us on the cleanup crew have been monitoring and putting a lot of time into it to get that rating up to 96.8% a year later. Lately, he's been itching so badly to get sales that he'll push the edge by, say, putting a listing up on Friday for an item that's supposed to be arriving in our warehouse on Monday. It doesn't thrill me, but I've let it float a couple times because I have just been way too consumed with other work to argue about it.

Today, he asked me to do it with two items that were supposed to be here a week ago. I was not happy, but I grinned and did what I was told. THEN, I'm on eBay looking for some other information, and I see that he has listed 1,000 pieces of a product that is going to be in the spring catalog, a month and a half from now, and that has a "maybe" delivery date of December 5th.

Hello? Moron boy? We're still shoveling from the last time you crapped all over the place, and in you walk, dropping trou', looking for a clean spot to foul up again? Forget you!

I'm going to laugh so hard if this goes the same way as last year. Last year, eBay accounted for roughly 5% of our online sales. This year, it's almost 20%. If we get caught and kicked off eBay, it'll hurt a lot more this time. Heads will roll, and I'll just sit in the corner and quietly point my finger.

If it weren't for my horse, I wouldn't of spent that year in college.

2005-11-25T11:36:00.000-05:00

Like a fly at a picnic, this thought just buzzed into my ear. It's annoyed me before but I've shooed it away. Now I need to write it and kill it...

Annoying thing about Rod #3,462

He refers to color printouts of things as "lasers." First, who the hell refers to anything that came out of a computer printer as a "laser?" Second, EVERY color machine in this ENTIRE building is an inkjet. There are no lazers involved. Nowhere. To my knowledge, the only lasers in this place are bar-code scanners and they're more degrees removed from printers than I am from Kevin Bacon. My only guess is that 5 years ago, someone wanted to teach him a stupid buzzword to see if he would repeat it, and now it's ingrained itself in him as truth. At least that thought gives me comfort.

Seether

2005-11-25T10:50:00.000-05:00

It's the day after Thanksgiving, and I'm at work with A TON of crap to do. Who didn't see that coming?

"Here, take this day off. (you will pay for it tomorrow)"

The lights aren't even on

2005-11-18T14:25:00.000-05:00

A coworker relayed a story to me today about how she was meeting with Rod about something yesterday. He had asked her a question and as she answered, she saw the vacant look take over his face. When she concluded, he woke and said something to the effect of, "I'm sorry, could you run that by me again? I lost interest in the middle and didn't hear what you said."

The man is a human Etch-A-Sketch, I swear. Shake him too much and he completely loses the picture. How full of yourself do you have to be to admit that anyway? Unbelievable...or at least it would be anywhere else.

When nature calls, people listen.

2005-11-17T13:40:00.000-05:00

I had a business trip for the past couple days. The business part of it was okay, but was really eye-opening was getting to learn something about myself. And that is: I am a bit of a jerk.

You see, I was in the office of one of our vendors for training on their systems. So we’re locked up in the conference room all day, and my bladder after morning coffee has a 1 hour limit for at least 3 hours, no exceptions. So I’m doing the pee-pee dance in my chair at 9:20 and I finally tell them I have to go or there’s going to be trouble. They point me in the right direction and I head off. As I turn the corner nearing the bathroom, I see out of the corner of my eye, a guy coming the other way. Now, I know he could be going elsewhere, but I’m not taking any chances. I keep my head down and push on toward the bathroom, intending to body-check this guy if I have to, no matter how bad he needs to go. So, I make it to the door first, bustle in, lock up, and do my duty.

Fast-forward to 10:30. I have to go again. Not as bad, but we’re at a good stopping place and I excuse myself. I turn the same corner, I see this guy again, keep my head down again, and bull my way in. Again, not caring about his need. So I take care of business, and get back to it.

Lunch break. Now I really don’t have to go all that much, but I’m not sure how long the car ride to lunch is going to take and I want to be safe. I turn the corner, and THIS DUDE IS THERE AGAIN, walking toward me like déjà vu. Now, I’m annoyed that this guy is on the same bladder schedule as me, and I’m embarrassed because he’s seen me charge in before him twice already today, and it’s just barely after noon. So I push ahead again and get in to do my thing.

While I’m in there, I ponder that I’ve been such a jerk repeatedly and I decide I should apologize to the guy if I see him outside or at least make light of the situation so he knows I’m not a total creep. So I wash, kill the light, step out, and look around. This time, eyes are up, and I’m looking ahead for the first time…and even though I just went potty, I nearly wet myself as I drop like 30 self esteem points because I realize that the office is about half as long as I thought it was, and the guy I’ve been beating to the bathroom all these times –

is my reflection in a full-wall mirror.

Ass.

The prosecution rests

2005-11-13T22:38:00.000-05:00

Proof of "the binder" taken before Mike left.

Rod: More of a jackass than any donkey

2005-11-10T22:16:00.001-05:00

Three phantom messages today. Three times I had to pick up the phone, dial voicemail, enter my PIN, go through the menu, listen, delete, log out properly (because if you don't, our crappy system doesn't always delete right), and hang up. Three times he could have called or e-mailed and saved me the time. Three times he chose to be an aloof jerkwad instead.

Plus, he did it to me again. I've mentioned before how we send e-mails to everybody on our list every day. Well, I'm taking off tomorrow, which is a Friday, which means that I have to have e-mails ready for Friday, Saturday, Sunday, and Monday ready and scheduled to be sent before I can go. It takes roughly 2 hours to put together an e-mail, which means 8 hours, plus I still have other regular duties to maintain. So things are stacked against me.

I jam through the morning reports and other stuff, and I'm into e-mails by 10 AM. By 1 PM, the first one is done. By 3 PM, two more are done. So now I'm feeling good. I may make it, I'm blowin' these things out in good time, plus there aren't any crises in the system to slow me down like there were yesterday. So I send out the tests and jump into the fourth one. As I'm finishing up at 4:30, I look over and see the message light is on. I sigh.

Rod, in his best Office Space voice, says,"Um...Mat, proofread the TG blast and then send it to me again when you get it fixed."

I know, I made a mistake, I'm in the professional world and I need to have things as close to perfect as they can be before sending them out. But that's why we do the internal test. Anybody that writes or designs things will tell you that once you stare at something for a while, you can't see the details, you need fresh eyes to help. So now it's 4:30 and this human doorstop want's me to play "Where's Waldo?" Grow up, you non-helping sack of walrus snot! Save me the time when I'm obviously jammed up and TELL ME WHAT THE ERROR IS! And have enough of a sack to call me directly about it instead of leaving some pansy-ass phantom message that I may or may not notice until Monday.

I mentioned before that I don't consider him human. I'm not jerking around. He's missing something that keeps him from being a part of the real world. Seriously, he is not worth a fart in a hurricane to me. If he and George Bush were drowning, and someone held a gun to my head and forced me to save one, we'd all be paying higher taxes again next year.

Illogical, captain.

2005-11-09T11:12:00.000-05:00

You might think that if you had 2 people that were busy all day doing stuff, and one of them left, it might be smart to ease up on things for a while so the solo act can keep his head above water. You might...

Time to start leaving violent poetry around the building.

Good job, slacker

2005-11-09T08:21:00.000-05:00

Bill walked in as I was reading one of my daily web comics (Something Positive) yesterday to tell me how excited about how the hard work I was doing was showing revenue and to encourage me to keep it up. Heh. It's a bit awkward to take compliments from the president when you have something animated taking up your whole screen.

Abhorrence

2005-11-07T10:29:00.000-05:00

I am the only person in my department. I have an interview for a potential new partner at 2 PM. My boss called-off today so I have to handle that myself. Rod, who's job it is to give me the products to be placed in the e-mails has decided that today I should pick the products for the next two. When I gave him suggestions, he said "Possibly, we'll see after you design it." So now I'm supposed to spend 2 hours on a "possibly" so the prince can wave his approval or denial since my time is so open today.

You know how you can feel the heat in your face when you get angry? I am the friggin' 7up Spot today...

All the news fit to print

2005-11-04T11:02:00.000-05:00

Man, somebody totally cropdusted the cube farm this morning and it reeks like sombody rolled through a cesspool, jogged 10 miles and then came in to work in the same clothes. Nasty.

So then I did it too.

In other news... I fell victim to the bathroom light today, which was annoying but not so much after the events earlier in the week. That's going to stay with me a while...I'm still chuckling.

The end, my only friend, the end

2005-11-02T12:12:00.000-05:00

There was just A LOUD crash behind me in the server room. It was preceeded by a smaller crash and a lot of shouting. Fred's been having more and more trouble getting everything done since Jack left. I know the feeling, but Fred has some issues.

Anyway, from the sound, it seemed like he had gotten mad, kicked one of the shelves and then something collapsed, possibly on him, so I was a little concerned that he was hurt. I went in and there were some parts of a printer scattered on the floor. He looked at me, put a hand on my shoulder smiled genuinely and said he was okay. Then he totally Hyded, spun around, grabbed a chair and launched it to the far end of the room, somehow missing the control console for all of the servers.

"I'm just so pissed! This f***in' printer keeps f***in' up while printing these checks... Look at these f***in' numbers, they're not right! F***!"

So he picks up the chair, marches it back to the doorway and tosses it out into the hallway beside my cubicle. Where Rod had walked by seconds before. I know Rod was cowering in the next room wondering if this was going to be where one of the employees he helped push to the edge finally flipped and gave it back to him. I know he was crouched by the door, shaking and making a puddle. I know he cried. I know all of these things because my mind has created the images and now I can't gt rid of them and I don't want to because they make me happy.

Not this time Rod. But the law of averages says you can't hold out forever. Oh, I hope bodily harm comes to you. Something incapacitating, because you're weak, and you'd totally off yourself afterwards, so then you'd have the pain and then the depression and resulting suicide. It's not cruel of me to think that way because you're not human...you have no soul.

What was I saying? Oh yeah, Fred cooled down, we had a good laugh, and the dust settled. The end.

Deja vu all over again

2005-11-02T12:04:00.000-05:00

Man...Customer Service called in 3 temps today. Two are doing fine, the third - not so much. This story doesn't top yesterday's, but it gave me a laugh, especially considering that it is just one day later.

Somewhere around 11 AM, Carly comes overand tells me she had to let another one go today. I guess this temp was having some kind of visible distress that didn't subside, so Carly sent her girl Janelle over again to see what the deal was. When Janelle asked what the problem was, the temp sighed heavily and whined, "I'm not down with how y'all want me to talk all 'white'." Janelle, who is black, asked her what she meant and the temp replied, "Ya know...'yes,' 'please,' 'thank-you'...it's not my style."

When Janelle conveyed this to Carly, Carly came over and told the girl she wouldn't be needed for the rest of the day. "Fo' really-real? That's wassup!"

Black America: take two steps backward.

I'M mad, YOU'RE mad, we're ALL mad here! -Alice in Wonderland

2005-11-01T10:08:00.000-05:00

Okay, so you may remember my post about the timer on the light in the bathroom, and you may remember one about the mental state of our customer service people (not all of them, but many). You're going to need to pull on your knowledge of both of those for this one.

Apparently, Customer Service had a temp this morning. He came in 5 minutes late, which is no biggie, but also not a good start. Carly reached to shake his hand and he apparently jumped like he had never been offered feminine contact before. Now, Carly is very nice, but somewhat overbearing, so I'm not going to hold that against him, except to say that it was another sign.

Regardless, she took him to where he was going to be working and had her best worker show him the ropes. So the guy was given a headset for working on the phones and didn't start working until he had cleaned it - for 15 minutes. To paraphrase A Long Kiss Goodnight, I submit to you that there is nothing there worth more than five minutes' attention. At that point, anything on that set was either gone for good, or there to stay. Strike two.

But the work didn't start then, either. He had to go to the bathroom. He was gone for 15 minutes when Carly finally got fed up and decided to go looking for him. She walked by the men's room, and heard "HELP! The light went out and I'm locked in the stall!" Apparently he had been in the bathroom when the light timer tripped and left him in the dark. This bothered him A LOT. He hollered for help like death was imminent, and thought he was locked in and nobody would ever come to save him. Carly couldn't help him without laughing, so she went and got Sean Martin to turn the light on for the guy. If you knew Sean, I could paint you a picture that would have you rolling, but you don't, and I can't put the time into it now to do it justice. Let me just say that I have walked into the dark bathroom on at least three occasions when Sean himself was squatting and using his lighter to find the toilet paper. Point is, it as pretty much the blind leading the blind, or the foppish leading the psychotic if you prefer.

So the temp guy finally gathered himself and went back to C.S. and started pacing and shaking and wringing his hands. The girl that was supposed to help him get going tried to calm him down, but he wouldn't sit and obviously wasn't going to be any good to work, So Carly told her to escort him to the front door. It took 15 minutes to walk him out (this is where I came into it, since I can almost see the front door from my desk). The guy was just standing by the front door, staring into space, looking and mumbling like Dustin Hoffman in Rainman about how he was clausterphobic and how he wasn't sure he could recover.

My thoughts:
In case anyone was wondering if there are people out there too psycho to be customer service reps, here's you're bell-ringing prize-winner.

It struck me that it's possible that this guy isn't really this insane and that he either wanted to take the day off work or was looking for a chance to sue somebody. With all the other stuff going on here, wouldn't it be ironic if the thing that took the place down was a lawsuit from a dude who got blacked-out in the potty by a timer that was put in as a cheapass cost-saving measure? Priceless.

He just smiled and gave me a vegemite sandwich

2005-10-31T12:09:00.000-05:00

I deal on eBay a lot for work. As a result, we get a TON of eBay phishing e-mails everyday. For those who don't know, phishing is when someone sends you an e-mail claiming to be someone else, hoping you'll click on a link that takes you to their site where you'll input information that allows them to steal your identity. It's a horrible thing to do, but the funny thing about it is that usually it's done by people overseas and sometimes they're not too good at translating their message for conning you. This case was one that came in today that I found particularly funny. Click on the picture to see the larger version.

I'm not sure how to feel now that I know the entire eBay staff is monitoring my member. Blech. I guess I'm going to have to look into a curtain for the bathroom window now.

I told you that joke so I could tell you this one

2005-10-31T11:07:00.001-05:00

To understand this, you will have to have read this post:
http://tftcf.blogspot.com/2005/10/my-way-your-way-amway-updated-101205.html

I received another "one time only" e-mail through careerbuilder.com for these people. Even though JR seems to have given up on me, the Professional Recruiters are more persistant. If you remember, my last e-mail to JR's assistant Deborah was one of urgency. The Professional Recruiters know nothing of this e-mail, but I didn't let that stop me from sending this:

From: matweller@XXX.net
To: recruiter@advgroup.biz
Subject: Re: CareerBuilder.com: Your resume caught our attention! -PH
Date: Mon, 31 Oct 2005 16:09:40 +0000

Where is J.R.? What have you done with him? I can't find him and I worry what
may become of his mental state without his medication.

You can't hide him forever! Deborah and I will save him if it's the last thing
we do!

Unicorns are WAY COOL,
Mat

They just make it way too fun to mess with them! I'll give 10 points to anyone who knows where the "Unicorns are Way Cool" comes from (Mike not included).
I should probably mention I forwarded this to Deborah too:

From: Mat
To: recruiter@corporateoverview.com
Subject: FW: Re: CareerBuilder.com: Your resume caught our attention! -PH
Date: Mon, 31 Oct 2005 16:19:09 +0000

Deborah,

Just wanted you to know I am keeping the fight alive! VIVA LA RESISTANCE! VIVA JR!

Poor girl. She's the closest thing there is to an innocent in this. You know she opens these things and looks at JR with "that look" and just shakes her head. It makes me smile to think I can evoke that look.

I do one hell of a Dennis Miller impersonation

2005-10-28T09:49:00.000-04:00

This isn’t about my company, but I have to get something out because I am so outraged and repulsed that I could burst. Exxon/Mobil recently announced the highest single quarter profits in history. And the news seems to be treating this information as a novelty. It may be just me, but I find it outrageous that gas prices reached such heights that many people had to change their lifestyles around this single factor, and the media just hahas and moves on? Heating oil is so expensive that I wouldn’t be surprised to hear that some elderly folks had to take out second mortgages to buy the fuel that will allow them to go on living through the winter ahead, and we’re okay with this?

To put the way they robbed us in perspective, if oil costs $60/barrel, and the price all of the sudden doubles, do you know how much each gallon has to increase in price to cover the difference? Two cents. How much did gas go up in your area? Here it was $.80-$.90. Now, I know there are other costs that go into processing oil to make gas, but those didn’t change, so the per barrel price is the main variable. So, if you have a product that you sell at a cost that is already inflated, and your cost goes up two cents, how much do you have to increase to cover? Four cents, eight, even ten?

Here’s what I say Exxon/Mobil should have to do with their new-found profits:

Give some of this record profit to the government to cover the cost of the war that allowed these parasites to go on gouging the people.
Rebate money to every person that had to buy oil for their homes after the increase to cover the difference.
Give every soldier that went to the Mideast and the surviving members of the families of those killed in action free gas for life.
Submit to the same regulation that utility companies do. They are a necessity item after all.
Fund 50% of all research for renewable resource automobiles until they account for 75% of all cars on the road in America.

And let us not forget that the government tax on gas is 20% or more of the price you pay. That’s $.60 per gallon that you were paying for the last month going to taxes, and that’s not just Exxon/Mobil gas, that’s ALL GAS sold in the US. If they try to raise taxes any time in the next decade, we as a nation need to remind those morons just who they work for.

I’m sorry for getting off on a rant, but we cannot allow these opportunistic, parasitic, smug rapists to continue this. It’s a new fleet of jets they don’t need to them, but it is LIFE to us.

Now back to the regularly scheduled program…

Naked Eyes

2005-10-24T21:45:00.000-04:00

I was given a promotion today to cover Mike's position. We're supposed to hire someone else to help soon, and things are really going to be different now. Pardon me if I wait until it happens. They've bought me until Christmas. Once I have vacation again to go on interviews, I go back to the search if there's still no hope.

Never fear, though. I will still bring you the latest foolishness.

Obituary

2005-10-23T21:13:00.000-04:00

Mike came over today to tell me he's not going to be coming to work anymore. I hope those bastards are satisfied.

"I don't mind that I'm fat. You still get the same money." - Brando

2005-10-21T08:36:00.000-04:00

So, remember the post about the president flipping out on IT? It led to Jack putting in his two-weeks' notice the next day, and a scramble has been on ever since to teach somebody everything he knows and get a replacement hired ASAP.

They've had a couple interviews so far and have a couple more lined up. Fred Fanning, director of computer stuff, has been doing the interviews and he's a friend of ours. This morning he comes and tells me they have two good candidates, a young black guy out of work, and an older white guy that's willing to take a pay cut from his current job since he's sure he'll be able to get back to that salary in no time here (he's making some dangerous assumptions). The president called Fred into his office yesterday to ask him some questions that went something like this:

Bill: How's the interview process going?
Fred: We have two good candidates.
Bill: What're they like?
Fred: They have different specialties, but either would be very helpful in the position.
Bill: Tall?
Fred: Average to above.
Bill: Heavy?
Fred: Not particularly.
Bill: Good. We don't need any fat people around here. Families?
Fred: One's single, the other is just married, not looking to have kids anytime soon.
Bill: Excellent. That's the best way.

He knew the one guy was black. All that and he didn't play the race card? Surprising.
How did my fat ass get hired here?
The only reason he wants singles is because he thinks they're more likely to come in at 2AM on Sunday to check on something that has nothing to do with them, but that Bill wants them there for nonetheless.
How pompous is it to call someone into your office and openly express your discrimination practices?

So many reasons to hate...

Have something to share?

2005-10-20T15:08:00.000-04:00

If you've got a good story, let me know and I'll send you the invite that lets you come in and add to the madness.

Why believe you deserve it just because it's in the policy book?

2005-10-19T22:34:00.000-04:00

Mike had to take off work yesterday. I had to take off today. This morning the president of the company launched an investigation to see how much time-off we had left because he thinks we take vacation too often. Neither of us has taken off any more than we've had coming to us. He's just mad that he's not going to get the usual five-second glance of us on the three days he bothers to show up at the office this week.

So, I check my work e-mail from home, and see the message from Franz that is the result of this investigation. The ironic thing being that the very next message in my inbox was Franz telling everybody that he will not be in tomorrow.

Apparently I also missed a confrontation between Mike and Rod. The work "jerk" was used and minor bloodshed followed. I'd tell you more, but this is really one of those deals where you have to know the players in person to appreciate how truly stupid Rod is.

Oh, and I almost forgot to mention, Mike said a lot of suits were running around the building today. Maybe they're looking to sell the place. Here's hoping.

Go, Tell It On The Mountain

2005-10-17T11:15:00.000-04:00

There's an empty cubicle in our area. Rod was sitting in it this morning. Which I discovered after saying a number of slanderous things about both him and Franz [including a 3-minute version of the previous rant with some more interesting adjectives] to Mike and Karen (the graphic designer) at varying volumes. I can't be sure how long he was there.

I may be fired today...strangely, I don't care.

It reminded me of this girl, but it was nothing that bad.

Today's Word is "Efficiency." Can you say that boys and girls?

2005-10-17T10:24:00.000-04:00

So, Franz wanted me to contact this place about a Web marketing opportunity. I checked it out and it looked okay, so I told the chick to send me the papers and we'd sign them and send them back to her.

You could diagram this as: A->B->C->A

She sent me the documents as Excel files. I passed them on to Franz and waited. I reminded Franz and waited. I reminded Franz again, and he told me to have Lou, the Administrative Assistant, print them out and bring them to him. So I called Lou, passed him the e-mail, he passed the printed pages to Franz and I waited. I reminded Franz again and waited. I finally get an e-mail back that says the addresses of our Web sites are wrong and that he won't sign them until they are corrected. Franz tells me to send them back to the company we're trying to work with, have them correct it, send it back, and then he'd sign it. Knowing how to open an Excel sheet and type, I do this myself and pass it back to Lou to print and give to Franz again. Franz finds something else he doesn't like, so it makes the rounds again. Finally it gets to me and I fax it out.

Now our diagram looks like this: A->B->C->B->D->C->B->D->C->B->D->C->B->A

THAT, my friends, is what corporate management does for you. What could have taken a total of ten minutes instead takes 2 man-hours worth of distraction because some jackass refuses to open a file, make a 3-keystroke correction and print it himself.

That's a nice head you have there -- be a shame if something happened to it.

2005-10-14T11:32:00.000-04:00

So we have this strangeo dude in customer service. We have a number of them, actually. It's an asset for that job, but doesn't make the rest of us feel any safer. Regardless, I'm walking to the restroom today and see him coming the other way. I generally stay pleasant with this guy, 'cause I'd like to think if I do that with folks, they'll give me a head start when they go on their shooting rampage. But like I said, this guy ain't the most stable, so the relationship is tentative at best, plus there might be a little front-office vs. customer-service tension there, I just don't know.

Regardless, it's important to know that I generally sit in silence and do my work for hours on end, so my throat gets dry and I sometimes have trouble getting all the sound out when the time gomes to break my silence.

So I'm walking towards this guy, not having spoken in a while, but I want to be polite and I say "'lo, sir" but some of the inflection got lost in my voice, and I'm afraid it came out sounding more like "loser." There was silence as we passed eachother and now I can't get the nagging thought out of my head that I should probably stop leaving my lunch in the community fridge...

There's no "I have a family emergency" in TEAM

2005-10-13T21:03:00.000-04:00

I keep forgetting to relate a tale I've heard multiple times now about a woman who used to work here. Apparently her son had broken his leg at school during the day, and when his mother told Bill she was going home to tend to her son, he told her that he really didn't want her to leave and that he would give her $100 to stay. She stayed. There's so many things wrong with that...

How much of an ego must you have to assume the thought of staying even exists? If my kid breaks his leg, I'm leaving. I don't care if you offer me your Mercedes.

How much of a power play is it to dangle money in someone's face and taunting someone to choose it over their family?

What must that woman think of herself after the fact?

What must the kid think of his mother?

Just one more reason I'd watch that man burn if he were on fire.

By the way, this entry is going to drop the pyramid scam job offer entry off the main page. If you haven't red it or the update on the bottom of it, it's worth a look.

Old habits die hard

2005-10-13T08:19:00.000-04:00

I just caught Rod dropping the binder outside the cube, and he just looked at me and said 'hi' with something of an embarrassed grin. But he still left it there. What an ass.

For those keeping score at home - Rod: still a jackass, Us: still dumb enough to show up every day

2005-10-11T21:17:00.000-04:00

I wasn't there to hear it, but Mike reports that yesterday when he returned, Rod gave Mike the following words of wisdom:

"Mike, now that you have this 'baby-thing' out of your system, I expect you to give 115% of yourself for the company."

I can't think of better inspiration.
(emotion courtesy of Eric)

If wishes were fishes

2005-10-11T20:49:00.000-04:00

Mike and I got to spend the afternoon with a president shouting in the room behind us and just generally throwing a tantrum because something was broken and not being fixed with the speed he knew* it could be.

Interesting things we overheard:

"He stinks and he's useless!" - about our IT guy who breaks his back daily to keep that place in shape; I intend to make sure he hears this comment since I have him in the 'Who's Gonna Shoot Up the Office?" pool.

"I could do it myself in five minutes!" - Bill referring to how his knowledge of telecommunications is more impressive than Verizon's

"That's a lie! That's a lie! It should be done now!" - Bill on how new information he was being given had to be incorrect since some phonejockey gave him an off-the-cuff estimate two hours before that any resonable person, of course, would have taken as Word of God.

"People all around this company are getting bonuses they don't deserve. We need to cut salaries and bonuses next year - across the board!" What can I say? The man knows how to encourage people to work harder. You don't have to be a genius to know that if you're going to make a statement like that, and even if it's true, you need to do it behind closed doors and away from the general employees. Moron.

* Note: knowledge in this case is not based on any fact, any suggestion made by someone who is an authority on the situation, or even the whisperings of a fairy or ghost - it is purely the whim of the man professing to have it.

My way, your way, Amway! UPDATED: 10/12/05

2005-10-07T20:20:00.001-04:00

So the job search isn't as fearful as it has been in the past. I posted a resume on careerbuilder.com to supplement the one I have at Monster.com. I've been getting a lot more leads from Careerbuilder than Monster, but I'm getting a lot more crap too. Since I think insurance is pretty much government-sanctioned, legalized crime, I loathe the insurance sales spam I get because of my Careerbuilder resume. This one almost pulled me in. Almost.

TO: Mat
RE: LIVE Corporate Overview Schedule

Dear Mat,

Thank you for filling out the form at http://www.CorporateOverview.com

We are hosting a live webcast later today. You can login to the webcast by going to: http://www.corporateoverview.com/index2.html

When you download the software (takes 7-seconds) it will give you the schedule of when the live webcast is being conducted. Please be prepared to spend 30-minutes with us. We will be going over all of the details on this project.

We look forward to discussing this project with you further,
Corporate Overview
http://www.CorporateOverview.com

So I went and took a look at the site figuring it wouldn't hurt to take a look if I only had to look online. But alas, their presentation only works on Windows, and I use a Mac at home, so either I view from work (which I am just an inch too ethical to do) or I don't see it. Besides, I'm a little suspicious, so I send a quick message back

From: Mat
Sent: Friday, October 07, 2005 8:03 AM
To: Executive Recruiter
Subject: Re: LIVE Corporate Overview Schedule

I have a mac at home, so it won't work. Besides, a company that recruits via webcast looks a bit shady anyway.

Thanks anyway

Short, to the point, has that "I don't feel like being messed with" kinda feel to it. But the “Executive Recruiter" doesn't take no for an answer.

Actually my team and I just barely started using the webcast
technology just like Microsoft. Is Microsoft or IBM shady because they
use webcast?

J.R.

Well, apparently I don't have the exclusive license on curt and cute that I thought I did. At least now the executive recruiter has a name, and I learn that I may have met my match in tenacity as well. Besides, who would dare question the virtuosity of Microsoft? Who would be so low as to question IBM? But I feel a little bad for maybe being too accusing originally, so I decide to be polite.

From: Mat
Sent: Friday, October 07, 2005 11:17 AM
To: jr@jrjackson.com
Subject: RE: LIVE Corporate Overview Schedule

The point is that it looks suspiciously like one of those deals where they say, "We're very interested in you, come to our informational meeting and become part of our team." So you take a day off work, drive an hour to someplace with high hopes, and then find out halfway through the meeting that they want you to be an Amway or insurance salesman and all you have to do is put up a small amount of money and they'll get you started right away. Those of us in the search are getting hammered by those types who come to us from Monster and CareerBuilder, so it pays to be overly-suspicious and err on the side of caution.

That being said, if your business is not like that, I apologize for insinuating the possibility. And the fact that you sent a personal response goes a long way to suggesting you are legit.

In the end, if I was to view your webcast from home, I'd have to do it on my Mac, and that won't work through your system, so it's just not to be this time, I guess. Good luck with your search. I hope you get the people you need.

Thanks for the opportunity.

Makes sense, right? Pleasant, but not really any more open
to continuing. But I get like three more invitations to the webmeeting
that I already said I couldn't watch. Then, the executive writes me
again (*sigh* So tenacious).

On 10/7/05 3:48 PM, "jr@jrjackson.com" jr@jrjackson.com wrote:

Mat I do understand where you are coming from. I remember when I was looking for a job I wasted a lot of time doing exactly what you just described. That is one reason we offer the presentation online so you can take 30-minutes and watch the entire information about our
business.

The project we want to talk with you about is identity theft and how you can help people.

J.R.

Damn it, J.R.! Your time-share sales tactics are so alluring, it takes every muscle to keep from allowing myself to be pulled into your glorious vortex of semi-legal commerce. I am Carrie-Ann to your Poltergeist...I cling to mommy's hand, but my feet hang in the air beside me as you draw
me into the light...I - can't - hold - on.

Oh, by the way, did I mention (twice) that I have a Mac and can't view your presentation. Yeah, that's still gonna be a problem. Not to mention that he hasn't named his company or tried to tell me what the hell they do yet. Who does that if they're legit? So I take a chance and do some super-secret spy-type stuff and take the name off of his e-mail address and get a gander at this: www.jrjackson.com

"No, no missa Mat, suh...we ain't no Amway or insurance scam, we's a wholesome PYRAMID SCHEME that aims ta sucker bof our employees and as many little old ladies as we can." AMWAY! I cry AMWAY!

Then, as if by divine kismet, I get this e-mail...

On 10/7/05 8:03 PM, "Professional Recruiters" CandidateEmail@site.careerbuilder.com
wrote:

Your resume caught our attention! -PH

A rare alliance has recently been formed between our 33
year old, New York Stock Exchange Company, Pre Paid Legal Services,
Inc. and the largest risk management and criminal investigation company
in the world, Kroll, for the roll out of a new and very comprehensive
Identity Theft Shield.

We are looking for entrepreneurial people for direct business-to-business
marketing as well as employee group marketing. In addition we are seeking
associates to build and train marketing teams.

Our associates are independent and work out of their homes.
They set their own hours, are paid immediatedaily advance commissions,
and can take advantage of numerous legitimate home based business tax
deductions, and can also develop an ongoing, residual income stream
for life. After a year associates can also qualify for a car bonus.

If you're up for the challenge to develop multiple streams
of income, full or part time, to secure your financial future, please
respond to this business opportunity immediately.

If you are interested in moving to the second phase, please
fill out the information form http://www.lspmarketing.com/application.htm
(please copy and paste link to access application on the web).

If we don't hear back from you, we do wish you the best in finding whatever
you are looking for.

Thank you.

We will not contact you again unless you contact us desiring more information about the opportunity of Pre-Paid Legal Services Inc.

Watch out Executive Recruiter! The Professional Recruiters
are coming this way, and they want me to sit on YOUR level of the pyramid.
So I attach it to his e-mail and give him a friendly warning.

From: Mat
Sent: Friday, October 07, 2005 6:17 PM
To: jr@jrjackson.com
Subject: Re: LIVE Corporate Overview Schedule

See, now that's funny. Cause apparently your company wants
me for your position...

JR wrote back, not understanding. I responded, "Did you notice
the attachment?" He said, "I don't open attachments." So I sent it to him
in the body of the e-mail and decided it was time I got to have a little
fun...

I hate to be the one to tell you, but it looks like your
bosses are trying to replace you. They don't mention why in there, but
I can't imagine they have a legitimate reason, so I'm thinking some
corporate-climber beneath you must be trying to get you ousted.

What do you think our next step should be? Should we ferret out this
climber and kill him, or do you think it would be better if I went to
an interview and exposed their web of deceit? We could wire me up and
you could listen in a van on the street, recording the whole thing,
and we could blackmail them by threatening to expose them on Larry King.
Think of it JR! We'd never have to work another day in our lives!

Let me know. I've got camo pants and boots that would be
perfect for either operation. In fact, we should probably refer to this
by a codename from now on in case someone intercepts our communications
(there's all kinds of hackers and identity thieves out there, you know
- somebody needs to do something about it). Let's call it "Operation:
Dallas" from now on.

We'll get 'em JR, don't you worry. Operation: Dallas has commenced!

UPDATE: 10/12/04

So time passed. I heard nothing from JR directly, though he continued to send me updated schedules for the Web meetings that I told him repeatedly I could not attend. And then today I get this:

From: "Deborah" <recruiter@corporateoverview.com>
To: Mat
Subject: I'm not sure if you rec'd the last email or not
Date: Wed, 12 Oct 2005 07:04:55 +0000

Mat, you had registered to attend one of our live web interviews. Here is the link to attend:

http://www.corporateoverview.com

If you had problems logging in you may go to

http://www.corporateoverview.com/errors.html

We have several live web interviews going on both today and tomorrow for your convenience...

And so on and so forth, same old schedule of the webcasts, but now from someone new.

Oh, Deborah, you were an innocent drawn into the fray.
But you're guilty by association, so now you must pay.

From: Mat
To: "Deborah" “recruiter@corporateoverview.com”
Subject: Re: I'm not sure if you rec'd the last email or not
Date: Wed, 12 Oct 2005 13:02:49 +0000

Deborah,

I have not heard from JR in too long. I am assuming the worst. Please relay this message to him for me if he should contact you, perhaps through a radio he steals from the body of a captor he overpowers or maybe from a carrier pigeon that lands by his cell that he befriends with crumbs of his lunch and the charm that surely helps him sell more Amway than any others trying to claw their way to the top of this mystical pyramid.

DEAR J.R.:
Please keep your spirits high, imprisoned comrade STOP
I am beginning Operation: Dallas in your absence STOP
Plan to infiltrate enemy headquarters with "wire" before they can break you STOP
Expect to be able to buy your freedom and negotiate a deal to put us both on easy street STOP
Hope Deborah can be trusted STOP
See you soon, Pooky XOXOXOX STOP

Bless you, Deborah, and Godspeed!

One last update to this. As JR seems to prey upon more people, the number of people coming here grows exponentially. I welcome your thoughts and comments, but since the comment section of this post is getting so long, I invite you to comment here. Let me know if you get eMail from other spam-scammers you want me to contact, I'm getting the itch to do this again. JR's been killer-good for my traffic, and he makes me laugh.

"Let them eat..." stuff that will lead to food poisoning

2005-10-07T12:07:00.000-04:00

This one isn't actually a comment about the company, so I'm going to forego the usual Dilbert Rating. This is really just a double-rant that I think many can understand.

Rant 1 - vending machine ebola incubator
We have a vending machine in the lunchroom that has sandwiches in it. At the end of the week, the guy comes, refills the machine, and leaves anything past it's date on the table for people to have if they want it. Now, I'm no germ-freak, and I'm the first one to stand up and admit that I've eaten 3-day-old pizza that never made it to a refrigerator. But these are factory-made sandwiches that are already past their due-date, that the guy then sets on the table to marinate at room temperature for however long it takes the right employee to stumble across and take them (and I've seen them disappear after sitting for 6 or more hours). Ungh. And some of those are BREAKFAST sandwiches, man...week-old eggs in croissants that have been sitting at room temp for most of the workday. If the bacteria don't get ya, you'll still love the preservatives. Foul man...just foul.

Rant 2 - How useless are you
There's a community refrigerator that I put my lunch in every day. I always have to find some way to bury it amongst all the other crap in some way that will still allow me to shut the door. This thing is full of half-to-mostly-empty Chinese food containers, pizza boxes, and drink bottles that haven't moved in a week, so they can't be missed by anyone. It can't take any more effort to walk your empty box to the garbage can than to walk it to the fridge. Just have some blessed common sense! That's the real problem of the stupidity of upper management, it breeds from the top down. And to top it all off, there's a sign on the front of the fridge that says it's cleaned out every Friday so make sure you take out anything you want or it will be tossed. Every Friday - right. Some of that stuff has been in there so long I swear it growled at me when I opened the fridge this morning. Idiots.

Were the Nazis guilty for following Hitler's orders?

2005-10-07T10:39:00.000-04:00

I received instruction that Mike and I shuld do everything we can this month to make the sales goal (which is a number they picked out of the air, not based on anything), no matter what it costs. As in, it's okay if it costs me $150 to make $200 even though I could easily make $150 for $25. I'm figuring that either there is aome creative accounting afoot, or someone's looking to pump the numbers up so they can sell the company. Either way, it's shady and it's bad business.

Creepin' like TLC

2005-10-06T09:29:00.000-04:00

Bill just snuck up behind me, stared at Mike's empty chair, and walked off. I can't believe they find it so hard to believe that a birth could put someone out for 4 days.

GET OVER IT, ALREADY!

"...even if we're just dancin' in the dark."

2005-10-05T11:58:00.000-04:00

Did I ever mention that our company is cheap enough to have timers on the lights in the bathroom? They are, we do, and it means on days like today when I'm in a hurry, I'm likely to end up having to wipe in total darkness. Thank God the Nokia is backlit.

What should happen to 'Cube Farm' now?
	Keep it as/is and add funny office stories on occasion.
	Let it sit on the off-hand chance that someone from the company might stumble by it some day and learn something about themselves.
	Turn it into a full site where everybody can add stories.
	Therapy's over. Be smart enough to know when to shut it down.

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